[it's _______] to apologize

I'm conflicted as to whether I apologize too much, too little, or just enough.

I know people who want apologies from me that are never going to come. I'm not sorry for my choices, or my words, and although I AM sorry when people get hurt, I don't think it's right to apologize for something that was the right decision. But people will still expect it, and be upset when that apology doesn't arrive. So to those people, and for your frustration, I'm sorry. (Feel better?)

I also know people who say I apologize too much, and for that, I'm also sorry. Or not sorry? What, exactly, is the correct reaction when someone tells you that you apologize too often?

It's that little phrase of "I'm sorry" that often ends up being significant to me. Of all the phrases that are doomed to make me get sentimental and weepy, that sort of hit me more at a core level, "I'm sorry" is one. {That and "I'm proud of you." Both of those two mean a lot to me, for who knows what reason, and my face will start leaking out of all orifices and it's kind of disgusting... yet cleansing.}

Regardless. Apologies:

They can mean nothing. They can mean everything. They can be desired and they can be sought but they are rarely exactly what they need to be. And today, I just wanted to offer my apologies where needed.

To my parents: I'm sorry for the state of my current academic career. It's not what either of us hoped it would be...although I'm bringing up my marks, they're not exactly what I was getting in high school, and I think we're both disappointed in that. I'm sorry for the times I didn't listen to you and we both suffered as a consequence. I'm sorry for all the things I've said or done that made you feel bad, and I'm sorry that I'm not studying right now. But apparently not sorry enough, cause I'm gonna finish it.

To B: I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you. We could have been solid friends, maybe. And I'm glad we're rebuilding.

To my housemates: I'm sorry I keep leaving my dishes in the sink. I genuinely do intend to clean them within 24 hours, it just takes a while sometimes.

To M: I'm just sorry it's like this.

To my siblings: I'm sorry I'm not always the greatest role model or big sis. I try, but I know I definitely fail more often than I'd like to.

To people in uni who've seen the consequences of my less-than-grand ideas: I'm sorry I didn't live up to the standard I set for myself, and I'm sorry I wasn't as strong a person as I wanted to be. For all the friends I could have made, or the friendships that could have been stronger if I had put in more of an effort, I'm sorry.

To any person I've ever treated like an object lesson, or gotten to know because I thought they'd be an interesting story later, or used as a project or experiment: I'm sorry I didn't think of you as a real person, and/or treated you like you were a piece in my life for my own amusement as opposed to a whole human being with a life of your own. And I'm sorry that you're being included in a generalized, not-necessarily-seen blog post instead of me remembering every single person I've done this to, one way or another.

To the people I need to apologize to, but don't know it or forgot about it: I'm sorry I didn't/don't know, and I wish I did.

Apologies are sometimes freeing. And sometimes not. But they shouldn't be for the sake of seeking absolution, purely. They shouldn't be for the sake of hearing that there's nothing wrong, or necessarily for trying to fix it all either. Cause apologies can't fix everything, although they're often a good start. And they shouldn't just be for show either: I debated whether writing apologies in this setting was really true to the cause and, in the end, I think it accomplished my purpose. Or at least started it. Either way, I'm now going to go put my comment to my parents into action and keep up the studying. Or possibly go to bed and take it up again tomorrow.

Take care, folks.