I sort of realized that, other than updating my resolutions, I haven't really given feedback on how they're going so far...thus far, they have succeeded and I have been proud of myself for not bailing on them yet!
Some of them I kind of sneaked by on: I had a brief ten minute conversation with a somewhat crazy woman at the bus stop (she thinks all politicians should live in trees for at least one day a week and that cellphones are turning the younger generation into robots....the latter of which I kind of agree with, to an extent, but you get my point.) for my make-a-new friend day, and the rest were pretty easy. Being happy was not that difficult--I think that, a lot of the time, it's a lot easier than people think! Or than I do, anyway. I got a challenge with that on the end of the day when I got called in for a 6.5 hour shift and had to ad-lib a uniform since I was locked out of my house (my fault) but it was an adventure and it all ended ok :). Today is pretty easy (since, admittedly, I didn't have any time this morning anyway so makeup was gonna be nothing either way lol..but still, it feels good to succeed, even if it was an easily attained goal haha.
Other than that...I've just been in a really good mood this week :) It's been a crazy past few months...and Christmas was, as usual, filled with some really good times and some really not-so-good ones, but I'm really happy to be back in Ottawa. It was cool going home- I LOVE my family, and there are a few friends who I was really happy to see-but for the most part, it's a reminder that I don't really belong there anymore. So I feel more comfortable/at peace with hanging out in Ottawa for the summer. It's also been nice that my workplace forgot to book me for any shifts this week so I technically don't HAVE to work unless I want to--which I kind of do...I like not being broke haha--but yeah...it's good! I got most of my grades back, which weren't too bad, and I'm mostly looking forward to next semester (not so much this one English class...but everyone should have to take a class they don't enjoy at some point. It builds character (and perseverance) to keep going week after week. I just wish it wasn't year-long. :/) I ALSO am pretty excited for the end of the week (ok, tomorrow) because I have...a date! Yay! haha..don't laugh, but in a way, it's kind of my first one. Sort of...or at least the first one I knew was a date when I agreed to it haha. Technically I guess my first would have sort of been this summer: I told a good buddy of mine in my home town that I had never actually been on one, so he surprised me by bringing a picnic to my workplace as a surprise "date"! haha. Anyway though, this one is different and I'm pretty happy about it. I like this guy, lots. Sooo....that's all I got for today, folks. Hope you're having an equally if not more so awesome day, and I'll catch ya later!
1.1.11
New Years Resolutions
New Years Resolutions are generally sort of lame. I'm aware of this. Most significant changes end up running on momentum and end up exactly the same way they were before, after a while (ever notice that a "revolution" is just a 360 degree turn?) But frankly, I think a little more goal-setting in my life could be a good thing. So, my resolution is to do one goal a day. It might be for the day, it might be a to-do list item, it might be a significant lifestyle change, and it might repeat. But this is what I'm going to at least attempt to do. Wish me luck.
January 1: Today, I resolve to put a conscious effort into looking forward and not backward. Unless I'm driving.
January 2: Today, I resolve that the next time 12:30 AM rolls around, I will not be awake to see it.
January 3: Today, I resolve to make the 9:15 train next Monday. Also, to stop making resolutions that involve time.
January 4: Today, I resolve to be happy, all day. No matter what happens.
January 5: Today, I resolve to be a bit less afraid of people I don't know, and go make one new friend by the end of the day.
January 6: Today, I resolve to go makeup-free and try to not feel self-conscious about it.
January 7: Today, I resolve to make up my mind what I want here, then go for it one way or the other.
January 8: Today, I resolve to be happy without feeing guilty.
January 9: Today, I resolve to spend at least four hours studying for my test tomorrow.
January 10: Today, I resolve to sleep way more than I did yesterday. Not exactly aiming high, but I just want to succeed today.
January 11: Today, I resolve to make it on time for eating breakfast downtown!
January 12: Today, I resolve to do at least three household cleanup jobs I've been putting off.
January 13: Today, I resolve to try and figure out how to tell my parents that I'm dating someone.
January 14: Today, I resolve to find my parents' health insurance number, or figure out when I get my own from work.
January 15: Today, I resolve to appreciate what I have, all the time.
January 16: Today, I resolve to be nice to everyone.
January 17: Today, I resolve to sleep.
January 18: Today, I resolve to go resolution-free for the day. Screw it.
January 19: Today, I resolve that there are better things to do than not sleep. Like sleep. I'm getting eight hours, no matter what.
January 20: Today, I resolve to go to all classes and to be happy about it. Fun Thursdays.
January 21: Today, I resolve to follow the Canadian Health Food Guide exactly.
January 22: Today, I resolve to smooth things over with at least two people who are currently upset with me.
January 23: Today, I resolve to call my mom/dad.
January 24: Today, I resolve to clean the bathroom.
January 25: Today, I resolve to not use facebook before I go to bed.
January 26: Today, I resolve to get ahead in my readings.
January 27: Today, I resolve to get groceries and pay attention to my spending. I will use at least three coupons.
January 29: Today, I resolve to do a blog post about something besides updating the resolution of the day.
January 30: Today, I resolve to be kind to every single customer at work, and be genuinely interested in their lives.
January 31: Today, I resolve to just get through these tests.
February 1: Today, I resolve to join my housemates with their workout routine downstairs.
February 2: Today, I resolve to stay indoors, do some school work, and be glad the weather gave me a day off.
February 3: Today, I resolve to not spend my whole paycheck as soon as I get it. No matter how tempting that may be.
February 4: Today, I resolve to not be the worst white dancer in Cabin.
February 5: Today, I resolve to make it everywhere on time, despite the many things that will make that a distinct challenge :P
February 6: Today, I resolve to not act on my impulses. Wait it out.
February 7: Today, I resolve to make it to my earliest class on time. 9:30 Research methods, I'm coming for you.
February 8: Today, I resolve to be the first person to wish my housemate Catherine a very happy birthday on facebook.
February 9: Today, I resolve to call Loblaws early in the mornin and offer my availability for any shifts this afternoon after class.
February 10: Today, I resolve to complete all of my homework on time, go to school, and not look like a wreck.
February 11: Today, I resolve to enjoy my whole day completely.
February 12: Today, I resolve to wear my shoulder pad dress for at least an hour, despite all feedback.
February 13: Today, I resolve to study for film, relax, and read Psalm 1.
February 14: Today, I resolve to give as much love out as I can. Easier than receiving, sometimes.
February 15: Today, I resolve to give and take evenly.
February 16: Today, I resolve to work on my voids and IPM's at work and do significantly better than previous.
February 17: Today, I resolve to be kind, to work hard, and to get some work done on my research for my papers.
February 18: Today, I resole to wake up promptly and to make meet-the-family as painless as possible for all involved.
February 19: Today, I resolve to hang out with my family tonight and watch movies. No visits.
February 20: Today, I resolve to be 100% honest with myself and whatever my reaction is to seeing some people again.
February 21: Today, I resolve to hold in my impatience with my family, and to just appreciate what I have, not criticize.
February 22: Today, I resolve to do homework, be honest with the doc, and meet some long-standing obligations.
February 23: Today, I resolve to do my best to become un-sick, do homework, and to hang out with my mom and not fight.
February 24: Today, I resolve to get my resume done and sent in for the Ottawa summer jobs postings.
February 25: Today, I resolve to get to bed early.
February 26: Today, I resolve to be responsible and not do anything likely to make me continue being ill :(
February 27: Today, I resolve to call in sick for the first time ever. Because I legitimately am. gahh.
February 28: Today, I resolve to go to at least one class and stay for the whole thing, even if I have to bring a kleenex box.
March 1: Today, I resolve to be pleasant even when I get grumpy. Because I can already feel the grumpy tendencies flowing.
March 2: Today, I resolve to do my lab and to figure out my new non-dinosaur phone :P
March 3: Today, I resolve to do homework, homework, and more homework. Sorry for the repetition, folks. It's gotta be done.
March 4: Today, I resolve to work my butt off at work and leave my cash area extremely clean for the night crew.
March 5: Today, I resolve to do my best to help Paige to have a non-sucky birthday, and to get up early.
March 6: Today, I resolve to refrain from avoiding uncomfortable topics.
March 7: Today, I resolve to go to philosophy with my paper done, and get crackin on mythology.
March 8: Today, I resole to not lose my chocolate bar with this fundraiser promotion! Freeeebies....
March 9: Today, I resolve to finish this flipping essay and just be happy when it's all over. Gahh what a week.
March 10: Today, I resolve to just be done all this homework nonsense.
March 11: Today, I resolve to smile every time I step outside the house.
March 12: Today, I resolve to care more about everyone else than myself.
March 13: Today, I resolve to give unreservedly.
March 14: Today, I resolve to refrain from speaking to people I'm arguing with until I can do so without saying things I'll regret.
March 15: Today, I resolve to spend time outside enjoying the fresh air, without making to-do lists in my head.
March 16: Today, I resolve to say no when I should, all the time.
March 17: Today, I resolve to be prepared for the day when I go to school. As in, have everything with me.
March 18: Today, I resolve to work hard and to give nobody a reason to be mad at me.
March 19: Today, I resolve to eat a lot of food.
March 20: Today, I resolve to study for my exam tomorrow morning. And to get up in time.
March 21: Today, I resolve to go to all classes with full intentions of staying awake the whole time.
March 22: Today, I resolve to hang out with my good buddy S who I haven't hung out with in forever.
March 23: Today, I resolve to finish my FINAL PAPER FOR THE YEARRR before midnight.
March 24: Today, I resolve to sleep in.
March 25: Today, I resolve to be kind to everyone I see.
March 26: Today, I resolve to not show my weaknesses.
March 27: Today, I resolve to not complain.
March 28: Today, I resolve to pay attention in class.
March 29: Today, I resolve to make dinner with Courtney and have a good chat.
March 30: Today, I resolve to check how many steps it takes me to get to the bus stop from my house.
March 31: Today, I resolve to be around.
April 1: Today, I resolve to never pull an april fools joke again.
April 2: Today, I resolve to do laundry.
April 3: Today, I resolve to make two difficult phone calls.
April 4: Today, I resolve to devote time to being quiet.
April 5: Today, I resolve to be as kind as possible to crabby customers.
April 6: Today, I resolve to finish up with my taxes.
April 7: Today, I resolve to work extra hours.
April 8: Today, I resolve to do one selfless action that I do not want to do.
April 9: Today, I resolve to eat three square meals.
April 10: Today, I resolve to study for my exams!!!
April 11: Today, I resolve to make it on time for music practice with Bren.
April 12: Today, I resolve to be successful on my Philosophy examination.
January 1: Today, I resolve to put a conscious effort into looking forward and not backward. Unless I'm driving.
January 2: Today, I resolve that the next time 12:30 AM rolls around, I will not be awake to see it.
January 3: Today, I resolve to make the 9:15 train next Monday. Also, to stop making resolutions that involve time.
January 4: Today, I resolve to be happy, all day. No matter what happens.
January 5: Today, I resolve to be a bit less afraid of people I don't know, and go make one new friend by the end of the day.
January 6: Today, I resolve to go makeup-free and try to not feel self-conscious about it.
January 7: Today, I resolve to make up my mind what I want here, then go for it one way or the other.
January 8: Today, I resolve to be happy without feeing guilty.
January 9: Today, I resolve to spend at least four hours studying for my test tomorrow.
January 10: Today, I resolve to sleep way more than I did yesterday. Not exactly aiming high, but I just want to succeed today.
January 11: Today, I resolve to make it on time for eating breakfast downtown!
January 12: Today, I resolve to do at least three household cleanup jobs I've been putting off.
January 13: Today, I resolve to try and figure out how to tell my parents that I'm dating someone.
January 14: Today, I resolve to find my parents' health insurance number, or figure out when I get my own from work.
January 15: Today, I resolve to appreciate what I have, all the time.
January 16: Today, I resolve to be nice to everyone.
January 17: Today, I resolve to sleep.
January 18: Today, I resolve to go resolution-free for the day. Screw it.
January 19: Today, I resolve that there are better things to do than not sleep. Like sleep. I'm getting eight hours, no matter what.
January 20: Today, I resolve to go to all classes and to be happy about it. Fun Thursdays.
January 21: Today, I resolve to follow the Canadian Health Food Guide exactly.
January 22: Today, I resolve to smooth things over with at least two people who are currently upset with me.
January 23: Today, I resolve to call my mom/dad.
January 24: Today, I resolve to clean the bathroom.
January 25: Today, I resolve to not use facebook before I go to bed.
January 26: Today, I resolve to get ahead in my readings.
January 27: Today, I resolve to get groceries and pay attention to my spending. I will use at least three coupons.
January 29: Today, I resolve to do a blog post about something besides updating the resolution of the day.
January 30: Today, I resolve to be kind to every single customer at work, and be genuinely interested in their lives.
January 31: Today, I resolve to just get through these tests.
February 1: Today, I resolve to join my housemates with their workout routine downstairs.
February 2: Today, I resolve to stay indoors, do some school work, and be glad the weather gave me a day off.
February 3: Today, I resolve to not spend my whole paycheck as soon as I get it. No matter how tempting that may be.
February 4: Today, I resolve to not be the worst white dancer in Cabin.
February 5: Today, I resolve to make it everywhere on time, despite the many things that will make that a distinct challenge :P
February 6: Today, I resolve to not act on my impulses. Wait it out.
February 7: Today, I resolve to make it to my earliest class on time. 9:30 Research methods, I'm coming for you.
February 8: Today, I resolve to be the first person to wish my housemate Catherine a very happy birthday on facebook.
February 9: Today, I resolve to call Loblaws early in the mornin and offer my availability for any shifts this afternoon after class.
February 10: Today, I resolve to complete all of my homework on time, go to school, and not look like a wreck.
February 11: Today, I resolve to enjoy my whole day completely.
February 12: Today, I resolve to wear my shoulder pad dress for at least an hour, despite all feedback.
February 13: Today, I resolve to study for film, relax, and read Psalm 1.
February 14: Today, I resolve to give as much love out as I can. Easier than receiving, sometimes.
February 15: Today, I resolve to give and take evenly.
February 16: Today, I resolve to work on my voids and IPM's at work and do significantly better than previous.
February 17: Today, I resolve to be kind, to work hard, and to get some work done on my research for my papers.
February 18: Today, I resole to wake up promptly and to make meet-the-family as painless as possible for all involved.
February 19: Today, I resolve to hang out with my family tonight and watch movies. No visits.
February 20: Today, I resolve to be 100% honest with myself and whatever my reaction is to seeing some people again.
February 21: Today, I resolve to hold in my impatience with my family, and to just appreciate what I have, not criticize.
February 22: Today, I resolve to do homework, be honest with the doc, and meet some long-standing obligations.
February 23: Today, I resolve to do my best to become un-sick, do homework, and to hang out with my mom and not fight.
February 24: Today, I resolve to get my resume done and sent in for the Ottawa summer jobs postings.
February 25: Today, I resolve to get to bed early.
February 26: Today, I resolve to be responsible and not do anything likely to make me continue being ill :(
February 27: Today, I resolve to call in sick for the first time ever. Because I legitimately am. gahh.
February 28: Today, I resolve to go to at least one class and stay for the whole thing, even if I have to bring a kleenex box.
March 1: Today, I resolve to be pleasant even when I get grumpy. Because I can already feel the grumpy tendencies flowing.
March 2: Today, I resolve to do my lab and to figure out my new non-dinosaur phone :P
March 3: Today, I resolve to do homework, homework, and more homework. Sorry for the repetition, folks. It's gotta be done.
March 4: Today, I resolve to work my butt off at work and leave my cash area extremely clean for the night crew.
March 5: Today, I resolve to do my best to help Paige to have a non-sucky birthday, and to get up early.
March 6: Today, I resolve to refrain from avoiding uncomfortable topics.
March 7: Today, I resolve to go to philosophy with my paper done, and get crackin on mythology.
March 8: Today, I resole to not lose my chocolate bar with this fundraiser promotion! Freeeebies....
March 9: Today, I resolve to finish this flipping essay and just be happy when it's all over. Gahh what a week.
March 10: Today, I resolve to just be done all this homework nonsense.
March 11: Today, I resolve to smile every time I step outside the house.
March 12: Today, I resolve to care more about everyone else than myself.
March 13: Today, I resolve to give unreservedly.
March 14: Today, I resolve to refrain from speaking to people I'm arguing with until I can do so without saying things I'll regret.
March 15: Today, I resolve to spend time outside enjoying the fresh air, without making to-do lists in my head.
March 16: Today, I resolve to say no when I should, all the time.
March 17: Today, I resolve to be prepared for the day when I go to school. As in, have everything with me.
March 18: Today, I resolve to work hard and to give nobody a reason to be mad at me.
March 19: Today, I resolve to eat a lot of food.
March 20: Today, I resolve to study for my exam tomorrow morning. And to get up in time.
March 21: Today, I resolve to go to all classes with full intentions of staying awake the whole time.
March 22: Today, I resolve to hang out with my good buddy S who I haven't hung out with in forever.
March 23: Today, I resolve to finish my FINAL PAPER FOR THE YEARRR before midnight.
March 24: Today, I resolve to sleep in.
March 25: Today, I resolve to be kind to everyone I see.
March 26: Today, I resolve to not show my weaknesses.
March 27: Today, I resolve to not complain.
March 28: Today, I resolve to pay attention in class.
March 29: Today, I resolve to make dinner with Courtney and have a good chat.
March 30: Today, I resolve to check how many steps it takes me to get to the bus stop from my house.
March 31: Today, I resolve to be around.
April 1: Today, I resolve to never pull an april fools joke again.
April 2: Today, I resolve to do laundry.
April 3: Today, I resolve to make two difficult phone calls.
April 4: Today, I resolve to devote time to being quiet.
April 5: Today, I resolve to be as kind as possible to crabby customers.
April 6: Today, I resolve to finish up with my taxes.
April 7: Today, I resolve to work extra hours.
April 8: Today, I resolve to do one selfless action that I do not want to do.
April 9: Today, I resolve to eat three square meals.
April 10: Today, I resolve to study for my exams!!!
April 11: Today, I resolve to make it on time for music practice with Bren.
April 12: Today, I resolve to be successful on my Philosophy examination.
17.12.10
[it's _______] to apologize
I'm conflicted as to whether I apologize too much, too little, or just enough.
I know people who want apologies from me that are never going to come. I'm not sorry for my choices, or my words, and although I AM sorry when people get hurt, I don't think it's right to apologize for something that was the right decision. But people will still expect it, and be upset when that apology doesn't arrive. So to those people, and for your frustration, I'm sorry. (Feel better?)
I also know people who say I apologize too much, and for that, I'm also sorry. Or not sorry? What, exactly, is the correct reaction when someone tells you that you apologize too often?
It's that little phrase of "I'm sorry" that often ends up being significant to me. Of all the phrases that are doomed to make me get sentimental and weepy, that sort of hit me more at a core level, "I'm sorry" is one. {That and "I'm proud of you." Both of those two mean a lot to me, for who knows what reason, and my face will start leaking out of all orifices and it's kind of disgusting... yet cleansing.}
Regardless. Apologies:
They can mean nothing. They can mean everything. They can be desired and they can be sought but they are rarely exactly what they need to be. And today, I just wanted to offer my apologies where needed.
To my parents: I'm sorry for the state of my current academic career. It's not what either of us hoped it would be...although I'm bringing up my marks, they're not exactly what I was getting in high school, and I think we're both disappointed in that. I'm sorry for the times I didn't listen to you and we both suffered as a consequence. I'm sorry for all the things I've said or done that made you feel bad, and I'm sorry that I'm not studying right now. But apparently not sorry enough, cause I'm gonna finish it.
To B: I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you. We could have been solid friends, maybe. And I'm glad we're rebuilding.
To my housemates: I'm sorry I keep leaving my dishes in the sink. I genuinely do intend to clean them within 24 hours, it just takes a while sometimes.
To M: I'm just sorry it's like this.
To my siblings: I'm sorry I'm not always the greatest role model or big sis. I try, but I know I definitely fail more often than I'd like to.
To people in uni who've seen the consequences of my less-than-grand ideas: I'm sorry I didn't live up to the standard I set for myself, and I'm sorry I wasn't as strong a person as I wanted to be. For all the friends I could have made, or the friendships that could have been stronger if I had put in more of an effort, I'm sorry.
To any person I've ever treated like an object lesson, or gotten to know because I thought they'd be an interesting story later, or used as a project or experiment: I'm sorry I didn't think of you as a real person, and/or treated you like you were a piece in my life for my own amusement as opposed to a whole human being with a life of your own. And I'm sorry that you're being included in a generalized, not-necessarily-seen blog post instead of me remembering every single person I've done this to, one way or another.
To the people I need to apologize to, but don't know it or forgot about it: I'm sorry I didn't/don't know, and I wish I did.
Apologies are sometimes freeing. And sometimes not. But they shouldn't be for the sake of seeking absolution, purely. They shouldn't be for the sake of hearing that there's nothing wrong, or necessarily for trying to fix it all either. Cause apologies can't fix everything, although they're often a good start. And they shouldn't just be for show either: I debated whether writing apologies in this setting was really true to the cause and, in the end, I think it accomplished my purpose. Or at least started it. Either way, I'm now going to go put my comment to my parents into action and keep up the studying. Or possibly go to bed and take it up again tomorrow.
Take care, folks.
I know people who want apologies from me that are never going to come. I'm not sorry for my choices, or my words, and although I AM sorry when people get hurt, I don't think it's right to apologize for something that was the right decision. But people will still expect it, and be upset when that apology doesn't arrive. So to those people, and for your frustration, I'm sorry. (Feel better?)
I also know people who say I apologize too much, and for that, I'm also sorry. Or not sorry? What, exactly, is the correct reaction when someone tells you that you apologize too often?
It's that little phrase of "I'm sorry" that often ends up being significant to me. Of all the phrases that are doomed to make me get sentimental and weepy, that sort of hit me more at a core level, "I'm sorry" is one. {That and "I'm proud of you." Both of those two mean a lot to me, for who knows what reason, and my face will start leaking out of all orifices and it's kind of disgusting... yet cleansing.}
Regardless. Apologies:
They can mean nothing. They can mean everything. They can be desired and they can be sought but they are rarely exactly what they need to be. And today, I just wanted to offer my apologies where needed.
To my parents: I'm sorry for the state of my current academic career. It's not what either of us hoped it would be...although I'm bringing up my marks, they're not exactly what I was getting in high school, and I think we're both disappointed in that. I'm sorry for the times I didn't listen to you and we both suffered as a consequence. I'm sorry for all the things I've said or done that made you feel bad, and I'm sorry that I'm not studying right now. But apparently not sorry enough, cause I'm gonna finish it.
To B: I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you. We could have been solid friends, maybe. And I'm glad we're rebuilding.
To my housemates: I'm sorry I keep leaving my dishes in the sink. I genuinely do intend to clean them within 24 hours, it just takes a while sometimes.
To M: I'm just sorry it's like this.
To my siblings: I'm sorry I'm not always the greatest role model or big sis. I try, but I know I definitely fail more often than I'd like to.
To people in uni who've seen the consequences of my less-than-grand ideas: I'm sorry I didn't live up to the standard I set for myself, and I'm sorry I wasn't as strong a person as I wanted to be. For all the friends I could have made, or the friendships that could have been stronger if I had put in more of an effort, I'm sorry.
To any person I've ever treated like an object lesson, or gotten to know because I thought they'd be an interesting story later, or used as a project or experiment: I'm sorry I didn't think of you as a real person, and/or treated you like you were a piece in my life for my own amusement as opposed to a whole human being with a life of your own. And I'm sorry that you're being included in a generalized, not-necessarily-seen blog post instead of me remembering every single person I've done this to, one way or another.
To the people I need to apologize to, but don't know it or forgot about it: I'm sorry I didn't/don't know, and I wish I did.
Apologies are sometimes freeing. And sometimes not. But they shouldn't be for the sake of seeking absolution, purely. They shouldn't be for the sake of hearing that there's nothing wrong, or necessarily for trying to fix it all either. Cause apologies can't fix everything, although they're often a good start. And they shouldn't just be for show either: I debated whether writing apologies in this setting was really true to the cause and, in the end, I think it accomplished my purpose. Or at least started it. Either way, I'm now going to go put my comment to my parents into action and keep up the studying. Or possibly go to bed and take it up again tomorrow.
Take care, folks.
16.12.10
motivational speech
when the rose-coloured glasses shatter,
shooting shards into eyes already red-rimmed
and inevitably, the salty-sweet, soul-taste leaks out
shake it off
shooting shards into eyes already red-rimmed
and inevitably, the salty-sweet, soul-taste leaks out
shake it off
10.12.10
Prioritizing.
Exams bring out the best and the worst in me, I find.
I also find that they do this to pretty much everyone else too, but since I'm me and not you, I'll share my experience. You can share yours. =P
I am one of those people who procrastinates like nothing else. It's a gift I have, and about as useful as a hairbrush is for a cucumber (if you got that reference...I love you. If you didn't, start watching VeggieTales. Also a great way to procrastinate)
Anyway, back on topic...I'm really good at putting off what I should be doing. And, from what I've witnessed, this is not a unique characteristic. I don't know what it is, but every time I have an assignment due or an exam to study for or anything remotely stressful that I don't want to think about...I don't. I do other things. Like tumblr, twitter, facebook, stumbleupon, bake, clean, iron, patch socks, make puppets, write letters, write blog posts, look up recipes, visit people, sort old papers, call my family, whatever. I live a decently busy life without all the extra junk, really: I work at least twenty hours a week, have school for at least fourteen, and spend (on average) about three and a half hours either on public transit or waiting for it. The rest of my time SHOULD be consumed by school work, but it isn't. Because I procrastinate.
So, why do I procrastinate? Or, perhaps more relevantly to you, why do YOU procrastinate?
Well, maybe the answers are tied together. Or maybe they aren't. But I have a few theories for myself, so you can judge away as to their general accuracy:
I think, for myself, my procrastination tendencies are tied up in the fact that I tied my self-worth together with my academic reputation for a significant portion of my life. In elementary school/junior high, my academic reputation was the area I gleaned a lot of my self-worth from. Doing well in school was my method for obtaining respect from my peers and authority figures, and I worked really hard to obtain that approval. Of course, as you get older, you don't get a gold star for getting good grades. You get scholarship money sometimes, and eventually, you get a degree. Unfortunately, that's never been a big incentive for me (it should be, I know. But it doesn't quite have the same draw.) So, I don't hand things in sometimes, or I'll be afraid to because I don't want to be a nameless face obtaining a grade that just isn't quite good enough. Horrible logic...I know. But it's true.
I also find that the more disorganized I feel, or the more stressed out I get, I just want to avoid the cause of my stress. Recently, my most common escape is playing this game on facebook called tetris. For those of you who don't know, the whole goal of the game is to fit the multicoloured, different-shaped blocks together to fill up a row and get them to disappear, and to not let the stack of blocks reach the top. It's hard to explain but just look it up...you'll figure it out.) Anyway, I think this game is my subconscious way of trying to organize all the chaos in my life into neat, orderly block-piles that I can get rid of.
Maybe the whole procrastination question isn't as mysterious as I thought. Or maybe I knew that all along and I just wanted to write this for the sake of doing something besides my project. Whatever the reason, these are my (attempted) reasons. On the plus side though, the stress really does force me to contemplate the direction I'm taking with my life, and forces me to question whether I really WANT this education and to do well in school.
The answer is yes. I do.
Which is why I'm going to work on my project, right now.
Peace out, girl scouts.
I also find that they do this to pretty much everyone else too, but since I'm me and not you, I'll share my experience. You can share yours. =P
I am one of those people who procrastinates like nothing else. It's a gift I have, and about as useful as a hairbrush is for a cucumber (if you got that reference...I love you. If you didn't, start watching VeggieTales. Also a great way to procrastinate)
Anyway, back on topic...I'm really good at putting off what I should be doing. And, from what I've witnessed, this is not a unique characteristic. I don't know what it is, but every time I have an assignment due or an exam to study for or anything remotely stressful that I don't want to think about...I don't. I do other things. Like tumblr, twitter, facebook, stumbleupon, bake, clean, iron, patch socks, make puppets, write letters, write blog posts, look up recipes, visit people, sort old papers, call my family, whatever. I live a decently busy life without all the extra junk, really: I work at least twenty hours a week, have school for at least fourteen, and spend (on average) about three and a half hours either on public transit or waiting for it. The rest of my time SHOULD be consumed by school work, but it isn't. Because I procrastinate.
So, why do I procrastinate? Or, perhaps more relevantly to you, why do YOU procrastinate?
Well, maybe the answers are tied together. Or maybe they aren't. But I have a few theories for myself, so you can judge away as to their general accuracy:
I think, for myself, my procrastination tendencies are tied up in the fact that I tied my self-worth together with my academic reputation for a significant portion of my life. In elementary school/junior high, my academic reputation was the area I gleaned a lot of my self-worth from. Doing well in school was my method for obtaining respect from my peers and authority figures, and I worked really hard to obtain that approval. Of course, as you get older, you don't get a gold star for getting good grades. You get scholarship money sometimes, and eventually, you get a degree. Unfortunately, that's never been a big incentive for me (it should be, I know. But it doesn't quite have the same draw.) So, I don't hand things in sometimes, or I'll be afraid to because I don't want to be a nameless face obtaining a grade that just isn't quite good enough. Horrible logic...I know. But it's true.
I also find that the more disorganized I feel, or the more stressed out I get, I just want to avoid the cause of my stress. Recently, my most common escape is playing this game on facebook called tetris. For those of you who don't know, the whole goal of the game is to fit the multicoloured, different-shaped blocks together to fill up a row and get them to disappear, and to not let the stack of blocks reach the top. It's hard to explain but just look it up...you'll figure it out.) Anyway, I think this game is my subconscious way of trying to organize all the chaos in my life into neat, orderly block-piles that I can get rid of.
Maybe the whole procrastination question isn't as mysterious as I thought. Or maybe I knew that all along and I just wanted to write this for the sake of doing something besides my project. Whatever the reason, these are my (attempted) reasons. On the plus side though, the stress really does force me to contemplate the direction I'm taking with my life, and forces me to question whether I really WANT this education and to do well in school.
The answer is yes. I do.
Which is why I'm going to work on my project, right now.
Peace out, girl scouts.
3.12.10
Dedicated to a year gone by.
Your kiss is a needle
Getting under my skin
I don't know
[I never knew.]
whether you're giving
or taking,
but:
I know
[I always knew]
beginnings
and ends
are the parts that hurt worst.
Getting under my skin
I don't know
[I never knew.]
whether you're giving
or taking,
but:
I know
[I always knew]
beginnings
and ends
are the parts that hurt worst.
2.12.10
Carleton Library, circa 3 a.m.
This is the first time in second year that I have been awake on the Carleton campus at this sort of ridiculously early hour in the morning. Granted, it happened enough times in first year that I should be well acquainted with the sort of lingering chill/fog/buzz that tends to settle in my brain around this hour. I'm happy because I'm going to be done for the semester soon, worried because (yet again) it kind of feels like I haven't dedicated all the effort I should have into my work...but I think I'm doing better than last year, so it's all up in the air. Mentally, I'm shot. Physically, deteriorating but learning how to survive on less sleep and food and more running around. Friendship-ly, everything's changing and I'm ok with that. Romantically...undecided and intentionally not thinking about it. Spiritually, I feel like I'm slowly getting better. Now that the self-diagnosis is out of the way, back to my comm paper. Or potentially travelling to the third floor and crashing until 6:30 this morning, at which time I'm headed home to shower, grab some food and textbooks, a power nap, and be back at school for 10:30. That's my life, folks. Not the worst, not the best, and not really all that exciting. Sorry.
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