From experience, from observation: It's been a learning experience. Frankly, there are a handful of lectures that stand out, but hundreds of people, challenges, and breathtakingly beautiful moments that have made the last four years into quite the life-shaping experience. Check it out if you like, add your own if you feel so inclined :)
In regard to friends:
There are way more people in University than high school. Ergo, you have way more choices for people to hang out with, and for the people you don't want to spend time with...you don't have to!
Things that have benefited me: becoming friends with my first year poddies. (823 Glengarry!) Jessica, Paige, Jennifer (and yeah I know you weren't there first year, Jen, but you were basically adopted into the clan soooo I shall count you anyway)...we aren't necessarily the most similar of people, and I don't see them as often as I'd like...but in moments of crisis or happiness, they're the girls who I want to share it with. They've been there through the same four-year growth period and everyone's changed (or stayed the same) as a part of the same experience.
Make friends with people who have lived completely different lives than you. People from different cultures, different family backgrounds, different everything. Keep an open mind, and let yourself learn from them. I'm not saying 'go native' (to use the very non-PC but generally understood terminology)...but let their experiences teach you and broaden your view of the world.
Allow nature to run its course with hometown friends. The lasting friendships will be there when you get back, and the ones that were only a thing because you had no other options...well, life will move on for both of you. This doesn't have to be a sad thing, and you never know: you could reconnect later. But don't cling too tightly to things that aren't really there.
Focus on being a good friend, not on finding them, and you'll probably get the same in return.
If/when people grow apart, it doesn't have to be sad. You can always cherish the role they played in your life at that time, and remember how special they were, but again, you can't hold onto everything. There are some friends who you can take a lot of time from seeing, and then be back together like no time has passed, but that isn't going to be the case with everyone.
In regard to school:
Start the semester off organized and try to keep it that way. The natural progression of things is from order to chaos, and this has been quite true in my school experience as well.
Not all professors are inhuman robot-types. From what I've heard, this could be slightly dependent on your program of study haha...but in my experience, it can be worthwhile to try to connect with some of the good ones, and really get the benefit of their knowledge as well. I've had some profs who I'd consider to be like family, and I am actually quite appreciative of both their classes and the support they've offered. I know it sounds kind of lame, but it's always good to connect with the people who are working in the field you're entering into. Besides that, most of them were actively working in other areas of Communications (or whatever it is you studied) prior to teaching, and you can learn a lot from them.
If you have a choice for when to sign up for presentations, etc, pick the earliest ones: the semester generally seems to just get busier as it goes, they usually mark the first ones a little more leniently, and then it's over with!
Mark down deadlines in prominent places as soon as you get them (day planner, calendar, whatever). Aim to be done 24 hours before it's due.
In general:
"No regrets" is not always an option. Sometimes you have to go with what you think you will regret least. Life's complicated.
If you're always making excuses for or rationalizing yourself to people, then you are either making mistakes that you're in denial of, or you're hanging out with people who are incredibly dumb. Consider the first option to be the most likely, and deal accordingly.
Love is the single most dangerous and beautiful thing: full of paradoxes, surprises, complications, and happiness. It is a guaranteed way to add some pretty wacky dimensions to your life. Be careful with it, and be careful about where you put your heart.
Don't let everyone else set your priorities for you. If you have to do homework, if you have to work, if you have to go to bed, if you have to stop drinking BEFORE you get to the toilet-embracing stage...make those decisions yourself, because the odds are good that nobody is going to make them for you. Know what your long-term goals are and don't cave to the guilt trips or persistence. I'm not saying that there aren't times when you should just take a break, let loose a bit...but it's time, place, and a matter of making sure you're accomplishing what you came for.
Don't let people make your life decisions for you. Listen to advice, but don't take it all personally. Don't just listen to the people who tell you what you want to hear. Make your own choices, ESPECIALLY when it's hard, and stand behind them. It's very probable that you will make mistakes. But at least they'll be your own, and when you can take ownership of them, you can learn from them a lot faster.
Don't believe everything you hear: in classrooms, from your friends, from the people you date, from the randoms you come across. Questioning things isn't bad--it protects you. You never know what people's motivations are. People will manipulate you, use you, mistreat you and otherwise cause you pain, if you let them. Not everyone. And not everything you hear is a line--but some of it is. Be on your guard, and pay attention if your gut is telling you something isn't right.
Don't be afraid to say no to things you don't want to do. Even if it seems innocuous and you can't think of a logical reason for that nagging sense in your gut that it's a bad plan...stick to your answer.
29.4.13
Apologies: to the people I never got to say it to, and the people I've said too many to.
I'm sorry for stealing that fuzzy fabric square from grade one arts and crafts. Even after the big classroom announcement, I was too scared to bring it back and I hid it in my closet. It haunted me for years in there.
I'm sorry I dumped the training toilet on your head. That was inappropriate. I'd like to say I was too young to know any better, but...I wasn't.
I'm sorry I didn't come clean immediately when they blamed you. I guess there's a trend developing, but sometimes it can take me some time to do the right thing. I'm trying to, I promise.
I'm sorry I was so insecure. I know that probably wrecked any chances of things working out there.
I'm sorry for not spending more time with you when I could, and for resenting your concern for me.
I'm sorry I get impatient with you as you get older. You're still the sweetest dog around; just a little senile.
I'm sorry for not putting in more of an effort to see you. It's not that I don't care; it's that I'm too scared of getting used to you and then the inevitable distance.
I'm sorry for the time I heard them make a joke about you that wasn't funny, and I laughed along because it was easier than standing up for you.
I'm sorry for judging you without knowing you at all, or for developing a lot of angry feelings towards you.
I'm sorry for throwing out that shoebox of letters. I'm not sorry that life's moved on from then, or that I'm over it, but I'm sorry that I was so bitter when I did it.
I'm sorry for not always loving you the way I said I would. And I'm sorry for the way things changed. I don't know what I could have done differently, but I wish I did.
I'm sorry for playing along with your games, even when it wasn't authentic. Sometimes it seems easier to stick to the script, but it obviously wasn't right.
I'm sorry for letting you down.
7.4.11
Blogging: Part 1: Stereotypes and Niche Markets: What I've noticed on Tumblr and Blogger (thus far)
I have had a variety of blogs in the past, most of which I either grew disinterested in, forgot about, or got sick of reading my old posts in. It's not that I ever really stopped loving writing, but my subject matter, mood, and general outlook tend to change, and sometimes that resulted in me getting rid of old blogs. Currently, I have this one, as well as a tumblr account. I also follow a fairly large amount of blogs, more than I actually have time to read, but on occasion I do, in fact, take the time to check them out. And I've developed a way to sort the different types of blogs out there.
First, it should be noted that there is a huge difference between the types of blogs/the places people choose to blog. WordPress, Blogger, Tumblr, etc all cater to different styles, and often end up attracting niche audiences.
Note: I'm also going to engage in some stereotyping in this post, so please just take it with a grain of salt and develop your own opinion if you don't like mine.
Tumblr, as a general rule, incorporates many more diverse styles of media: photos, video, memes, copious amounts of gif's...for those who understand mild amounts of geekspeak, it's a virtual playground. For those who don't, they still get the benefit of posting any and all things they find remotely interesting. I do it myself, so I'm not trying to rip on these people because of it. Very few posters actually write posts of a significant length, unless it's to bemoan romantic difficulties. There is a significant population of people who are in the process of questioning their sexuality, as well as people who appreciate the culture of the '90's. In addition, there are also a great amount of thinspo, shipping, and just really weird stuff out there. Not to say some of it isn't interesting or valid or useful...but it's sort of like the internet is a haven for all the people who have some serious issues and can find other people with similar problems and start thinking they're normal.
Blogger, to the best of my knowledge thus far, is primarily cynical wannabe writers, hopeful wannabe writers, mothers writing about their young children, Bible studies, propaganda, pet owners, people with singular obsessions, and people with too much time on their hands. No hate to any of these groups, it's just that everything I've seen thus far fits into one or more of these.
So, that's the start. I'm gonna probably talk more about this later, but it's currently exam time and I've procrastinated enough as it is. So I'll keep you posted :)
Peace.
First, it should be noted that there is a huge difference between the types of blogs/the places people choose to blog. WordPress, Blogger, Tumblr, etc all cater to different styles, and often end up attracting niche audiences.
Note: I'm also going to engage in some stereotyping in this post, so please just take it with a grain of salt and develop your own opinion if you don't like mine.
Tumblr, as a general rule, incorporates many more diverse styles of media: photos, video, memes, copious amounts of gif's...for those who understand mild amounts of geekspeak, it's a virtual playground. For those who don't, they still get the benefit of posting any and all things they find remotely interesting. I do it myself, so I'm not trying to rip on these people because of it. Very few posters actually write posts of a significant length, unless it's to bemoan romantic difficulties. There is a significant population of people who are in the process of questioning their sexuality, as well as people who appreciate the culture of the '90's. In addition, there are also a great amount of thinspo, shipping, and just really weird stuff out there. Not to say some of it isn't interesting or valid or useful...but it's sort of like the internet is a haven for all the people who have some serious issues and can find other people with similar problems and start thinking they're normal.
Blogger, to the best of my knowledge thus far, is primarily cynical wannabe writers, hopeful wannabe writers, mothers writing about their young children, Bible studies, propaganda, pet owners, people with singular obsessions, and people with too much time on their hands. No hate to any of these groups, it's just that everything I've seen thus far fits into one or more of these.
So, that's the start. I'm gonna probably talk more about this later, but it's currently exam time and I've procrastinated enough as it is. So I'll keep you posted :)
Peace.
10.3.11
A dream is a wish your heart makes.
For about a year when I was thirteen, I had the same dream just about every night.
It went like this:
I was in a medium-size room, in a place that was sort of like a cabin. The walls, the floor...everything was a warm golden oak colour. It was mostly empty except for one medium-size window directly across the room from me. There were these white/cream lacy curtains on it, and out the window you could see this mountainous/foresty area. It was really pretty. The sun was shining.
All of that was secondary though, because on the floor there was this skeleton. It was cream coloured. This skeleton crawled towards me, the whole dream. I couldn't move; I couldn't look away. Time passed, and I could tell because of the sunlight moving across the wood floor, and the shadows across the floor. I was nervous--apprehensive might be a more accurate term--but accepting. And every time it got to me, I woke up.
I have no idea if it means anything or not, but I just remembered this today.
It went like this:
I was in a medium-size room, in a place that was sort of like a cabin. The walls, the floor...everything was a warm golden oak colour. It was mostly empty except for one medium-size window directly across the room from me. There were these white/cream lacy curtains on it, and out the window you could see this mountainous/foresty area. It was really pretty. The sun was shining.
All of that was secondary though, because on the floor there was this skeleton. It was cream coloured. This skeleton crawled towards me, the whole dream. I couldn't move; I couldn't look away. Time passed, and I could tell because of the sunlight moving across the wood floor, and the shadows across the floor. I was nervous--apprehensive might be a more accurate term--but accepting. And every time it got to me, I woke up.
I have no idea if it means anything or not, but I just remembered this today.
27.2.11
Sick thoughts, in the pure sense.
Now, I know this might be lame, but I figure: my blog, my rules. And I had a surprisingly good weekend, so I want to talk about it.
I had an amazing time the past week at home just hanging out with my family and catching up, sleeping, patting my dog...it was stellar. I love home. Unfortunately, I find that when I slow down, that's often when I end up being sick. It's like the sickness catches up to me once I stop running around, and then takes over my body. I was highly disappointed with this--not only because it sucks to be sick--but because it completely wrecked a bunch of my plans, and severely cramped my style. I was looking forward to coming back to Ottawa slightly early--somewhat to try to pick up shifts and to catch up on homework...difficult to do at home...but also because I was going to hang out with Manuel for a bunch on Saturday. He had this whole plan, and I was maaajor excited.
Unfortunately, my sickness (and the homework levels on both our parts) made this plan a no-go. I sounded like Gollum upon returning to O-town and (totally honestly) didn't look much different from the critter. To be totally honest, I was really nervous for him to see me like that. As in, total mess. Coughing uncontrollably, hard enough to make myself sick and to make my eyes water, on-and-off fever, swollen nose and lips...I wore horrible clothing, had nasty hair...not my best. Besides that, I always feel very vulnerable when I'm sick so I was terrified that he would be totally repulsed and I would be embarrassed and it would just be a bad scene all around.
And nothing of the sort happened.
Even though sickness makes me sappy, I just wanted to share this stuff, cause it made my heart smile. He'd probably be embarrassed if he ever read this....but too bad :P. The guy took care of me, the whole time I was sick. Well, most of it anyway. He got me water, NeoCitran tea (amazing stuff, by the way), and was essentially...incredibly caring. He made me laugh, so hard (not so good for my cough...but good for the soul haha) and still called me pretty, even though I kind of looked like a crazy homeless person. And all of this meant a lot to me, because I realized that I was so afraid for him to see me like that...at my worst, and he didn't run away from it at all. He could handle all the grossities of my leaky nose and could laugh with me at my crazy hair and still kissed my chapped lips and, for the first time, I actually really understood that he liked me, as a person, and that I didn't have to be perfect all the time for him to hang around. And maybe this is a weird, TMI post for y'all...but you know what? It meant more to me than almost anything. And that's just what I felt like talking about today.
Peace.
I had an amazing time the past week at home just hanging out with my family and catching up, sleeping, patting my dog...it was stellar. I love home. Unfortunately, I find that when I slow down, that's often when I end up being sick. It's like the sickness catches up to me once I stop running around, and then takes over my body. I was highly disappointed with this--not only because it sucks to be sick--but because it completely wrecked a bunch of my plans, and severely cramped my style. I was looking forward to coming back to Ottawa slightly early--somewhat to try to pick up shifts and to catch up on homework...difficult to do at home...but also because I was going to hang out with Manuel for a bunch on Saturday. He had this whole plan, and I was maaajor excited.
Unfortunately, my sickness (and the homework levels on both our parts) made this plan a no-go. I sounded like Gollum upon returning to O-town and (totally honestly) didn't look much different from the critter. To be totally honest, I was really nervous for him to see me like that. As in, total mess. Coughing uncontrollably, hard enough to make myself sick and to make my eyes water, on-and-off fever, swollen nose and lips...I wore horrible clothing, had nasty hair...not my best. Besides that, I always feel very vulnerable when I'm sick so I was terrified that he would be totally repulsed and I would be embarrassed and it would just be a bad scene all around.
And nothing of the sort happened.
Even though sickness makes me sappy, I just wanted to share this stuff, cause it made my heart smile. He'd probably be embarrassed if he ever read this....but too bad :P. The guy took care of me, the whole time I was sick. Well, most of it anyway. He got me water, NeoCitran tea (amazing stuff, by the way), and was essentially...incredibly caring. He made me laugh, so hard (not so good for my cough...but good for the soul haha) and still called me pretty, even though I kind of looked like a crazy homeless person. And all of this meant a lot to me, because I realized that I was so afraid for him to see me like that...at my worst, and he didn't run away from it at all. He could handle all the grossities of my leaky nose and could laugh with me at my crazy hair and still kissed my chapped lips and, for the first time, I actually really understood that he liked me, as a person, and that I didn't have to be perfect all the time for him to hang around. And maybe this is a weird, TMI post for y'all...but you know what? It meant more to me than almost anything. And that's just what I felt like talking about today.
Peace.
11.2.11
9.2.11
Frustrated
You're the itch that I can't scratch
The bead of sweat running down my back
The heavy child sitting on my lap
The dripping faucet to my afternoon nap
The perfect egg with a fatal crack
The bead of sweat running down my back
The heavy child sitting on my lap
The dripping faucet to my afternoon nap
The perfect egg with a fatal crack
3.2.11
Race to the finish.
Race is a socially constructed concept. It has no biological backup or scientific basis, it's simply a free-floating idea based upon humanity's observation of physical traits, and the stereotypes we attach to these traits. There's no biological or genetic foundation for the grouping of people according to race, but it's a concept that we all generally adhere to quite readily, without necessarily thinking through the consequences.
I had an extremely interesting and challenging class today with my Comm T&F class today. Essentially, we studied race, how it's the ultimate communicative concept, and how we all essentially adhere to this inexact dividing line with such rigidity that we end up justifying things like land appropriation, the Holocaust, apartheid, eugenics, internment, segregation, slavery....the list goes on. Kudos to my prof, who managed to do a very sensitive, intelligent, and insightful talk on concepts that can bring many people to riots.
That doesn't mean the class was easy to sit through: I have a chronic case of empathy, and it was more than disturbing to see things like Michael Richards' (best known as Kramer on Seinfeld) break down during his comedy act and exhibit some of the most vulgar and raw racism I've ever actually witnessed in a non-fiction setting. Pictures of grossly anatomically caricatured African Americans in historical documentation were also a part of the examples given, along with a clip from Top Gear on "Mexicans". For me, this experience was extremely uncomfortable, for two reasons: first, because I empathized for both the people who had to deal with the way they were so inaccurately portrayed, and secondly, because I am a white person observing how people from my ethnicity have essentially trashed everybody else, or developed some sort of superiority complex.
I can't do anything about my skin colour. I'm white, I will always be white (unless I'm embarrassed, sick, sunburnt, cold, or dead, in which case I can be a veritable rainbow of colours)...but like everyone else in the world who doesn't want to be Michael Jackson, I can't do anything about my race. I am also incapable of changing the mindset of any people who are racist, white or otherwise. And while I can do my best to be a good influence, there are no guarantees.
This is an issue that has hit close to home for me in the past little while due to the fact that my boyfriend of almost a month isn't white, and the fact that this was an issue with some of the people I'm close to was a bit of a shock to me. It broke my heart a bit, confused me, and really made me think a lot about how people are such flawed creatures. We really have no idea what we're doing sometimes. This guy is one of the strongest, funniest, and kindest people I know. He's one of the very few people I know who will be honest with themselves, and will genuinely look for what the right thing to do is. He's been there for me in some of the toughest times I've ever faced. Even before we were dating, we were close for a long time and the whole "race" thing--while sometimes funny (he makes fun of me cause I can't dance, I tease him about his hatred of cold weather and his huge, curly hair...pretty much an afro at this point) isn't so much an issue. With us, anyway. But some people can't look beyond that, which drives me up the wall. Stereotypes are only stereotypes; and people are so much more than the labels we put on them.
I can't change the whole world. But I can change my world: do my best to salvage the relationships that are important to me, cut out the ones that are a waste of time, and just keep going. Racism is such a bizarre, unnecessary evil, and I'm completely weary of it. I don't refuse to give people a chance based on race, and I don't favour one over another. Every person's an individual, and ought to be treated as such. Personally, I don't want to be judged based on the transgressions of every person who's ever fallen under the category of "white".
We're all a part of the human race, after all...and that's all that matters.
I had an extremely interesting and challenging class today with my Comm T&F class today. Essentially, we studied race, how it's the ultimate communicative concept, and how we all essentially adhere to this inexact dividing line with such rigidity that we end up justifying things like land appropriation, the Holocaust, apartheid, eugenics, internment, segregation, slavery....the list goes on. Kudos to my prof, who managed to do a very sensitive, intelligent, and insightful talk on concepts that can bring many people to riots.
That doesn't mean the class was easy to sit through: I have a chronic case of empathy, and it was more than disturbing to see things like Michael Richards' (best known as Kramer on Seinfeld) break down during his comedy act and exhibit some of the most vulgar and raw racism I've ever actually witnessed in a non-fiction setting. Pictures of grossly anatomically caricatured African Americans in historical documentation were also a part of the examples given, along with a clip from Top Gear on "Mexicans". For me, this experience was extremely uncomfortable, for two reasons: first, because I empathized for both the people who had to deal with the way they were so inaccurately portrayed, and secondly, because I am a white person observing how people from my ethnicity have essentially trashed everybody else, or developed some sort of superiority complex.
I can't do anything about my skin colour. I'm white, I will always be white (unless I'm embarrassed, sick, sunburnt, cold, or dead, in which case I can be a veritable rainbow of colours)...but like everyone else in the world who doesn't want to be Michael Jackson, I can't do anything about my race. I am also incapable of changing the mindset of any people who are racist, white or otherwise. And while I can do my best to be a good influence, there are no guarantees.
This is an issue that has hit close to home for me in the past little while due to the fact that my boyfriend of almost a month isn't white, and the fact that this was an issue with some of the people I'm close to was a bit of a shock to me. It broke my heart a bit, confused me, and really made me think a lot about how people are such flawed creatures. We really have no idea what we're doing sometimes. This guy is one of the strongest, funniest, and kindest people I know. He's one of the very few people I know who will be honest with themselves, and will genuinely look for what the right thing to do is. He's been there for me in some of the toughest times I've ever faced. Even before we were dating, we were close for a long time and the whole "race" thing--while sometimes funny (he makes fun of me cause I can't dance, I tease him about his hatred of cold weather and his huge, curly hair...pretty much an afro at this point) isn't so much an issue. With us, anyway. But some people can't look beyond that, which drives me up the wall. Stereotypes are only stereotypes; and people are so much more than the labels we put on them.
I can't change the whole world. But I can change my world: do my best to salvage the relationships that are important to me, cut out the ones that are a waste of time, and just keep going. Racism is such a bizarre, unnecessary evil, and I'm completely weary of it. I don't refuse to give people a chance based on race, and I don't favour one over another. Every person's an individual, and ought to be treated as such. Personally, I don't want to be judged based on the transgressions of every person who's ever fallen under the category of "white".
We're all a part of the human race, after all...and that's all that matters.
31.1.11
Jesus talk.
Today, I was accosted by two Campus for Christ members in the tunnels.
To be honest, it was almost funny. I was sitting at a table in the area between the library and my next class, making notes in my film textbook with my laptop open. Besides me, the table was empty. Then, two girls came over. Initially I assumed they wanted to ask what the time was or something like that. But they were a little too awkward and hesitant. Eventually though, it came out that they were from C4C and wanted to chat about "spiritual things".
This was clearly a "evangelism training" session for the younger girl. To be honest, I forget both of their names now too...not that I'd name them anyway. But to be truthful, they probably forgot mine too. The older one, a pleasantly pretty blonde, did the majority of the question-asking and was very obedient to her script. I know because I've seen it before. Ask about background, find points of similarity, share elements of own story with at least 40% relevancy, and reference group that you belong to/work with. The other girl didn't say much, other than her name and the occasional affirmative head nod.
Why me? Probably because I'm a non-threatening white girl who looks somewhat academic and also kind of like a softy. All of which are true, which leads me to believe that stereotypes are sometimes not in my best interest.
It was funny because they immediately assumed and were prepared for a background I didn't have, for things I wasn't going to say, and they didn't really listen to the one I did. Not on purpose, I'm sure, but it's hard to see things you're not looking for.
I'm not trying to rip on these girls for trying to convert me/get me to come to C4C/whatever, but I'm just saying. Sometimes, it's thought provoking when you're on the other side of the table and you don't feel so much like a person, but a target.
And sometimes, you're playing for the same team anyway.
To be honest, it was almost funny. I was sitting at a table in the area between the library and my next class, making notes in my film textbook with my laptop open. Besides me, the table was empty. Then, two girls came over. Initially I assumed they wanted to ask what the time was or something like that. But they were a little too awkward and hesitant. Eventually though, it came out that they were from C4C and wanted to chat about "spiritual things".
This was clearly a "evangelism training" session for the younger girl. To be honest, I forget both of their names now too...not that I'd name them anyway. But to be truthful, they probably forgot mine too. The older one, a pleasantly pretty blonde, did the majority of the question-asking and was very obedient to her script. I know because I've seen it before. Ask about background, find points of similarity, share elements of own story with at least 40% relevancy, and reference group that you belong to/work with. The other girl didn't say much, other than her name and the occasional affirmative head nod.
Why me? Probably because I'm a non-threatening white girl who looks somewhat academic and also kind of like a softy. All of which are true, which leads me to believe that stereotypes are sometimes not in my best interest.
It was funny because they immediately assumed and were prepared for a background I didn't have, for things I wasn't going to say, and they didn't really listen to the one I did. Not on purpose, I'm sure, but it's hard to see things you're not looking for.
I'm not trying to rip on these girls for trying to convert me/get me to come to C4C/whatever, but I'm just saying. Sometimes, it's thought provoking when you're on the other side of the table and you don't feel so much like a person, but a target.
And sometimes, you're playing for the same team anyway.
29.1.11
Fear(less).
One of my favourite things to ask people is what they're afraid of.
Personally, I think it's one of the best questions because it tells so much. Not necessarily the average, boring fears (spiders, dark, rapists)...all of which are a little unnerving, true, but they're sort of...expected. I like hearing what people are really afraid of. The things that keep them up at night...the nightmares, the subconscious fears, the worst case scenarios. The things that shape the way we live our day-to-day lives, and the things we'll do just about anything to avoid.
And the million times I've asked this question, I've gotten just about as many varied responses. But they all seem to be variations on the same themes:
-fear of losing those you love
-fear of losing yourself
-fear of losing
-fear of weaknesses being exploited
-fear of love
-fear of having no love
-fear of evil
-fear of meaninglessness living
-fear of never being successful
-fear of being wrong
-fear of others having a low opinion of you
-fear of oneself
-fear of being alone
-fear of one's fears being exposed (ironic, under the circumstances.)
And all of these, I think, are valid. After all, the whole reason we have things that we're afraid of is because we have things that matter to us...which is key, in this whole process called life.
Personally, I'm of the opinion that I have way too many fears. Or things that just make me jumpy and nervous in general. It's embrarrassing most of the time. My boyfriend (oh yeah, I have one of those by the way...he's neat) tends to get a kick out of taking any and all opportunities that present themselves to scare me a little bit. I still like him a whole bunch, but I'm sincerely worried that one of these days I'm actually going to pee myself or something. Being jumpy is kind of weirdly amusing and potentially endearing, but there is nothing endearing about wetting your pants unless you're a baby or a significantly elderly person. So I'd prefer that it never happens.
TMI? Probably. Sorry.
Anyway, currently, my most relevant/front-of-mind fear is of being too happy. I don't think it's all that uncommon of a fear, really. It makes sense because, as can be witnessed in so many scenarios, trusting in one's own happiness is often the time when things fall apart. It's true in literature, it's true in life: the time when things are stable is always just before they become unstable. Therefore, I have a hard time really trusting my happiness and fully being in the moment because I'm too caught up in trying to capture it before it goes away. Which hints to an underlying fear of losing it all. And while I know you sometimes have to just be where you are, and take it in, and enjoy it, there's always sort of that fear in the background. I'm working on banishing it, because it's not a significantly enjoyable phenomenon.
I'm completely tired, but I wanted to put this up before I go to bed in order to fulfill New Years resolution of the day. Night night, world.
Personally, I think it's one of the best questions because it tells so much. Not necessarily the average, boring fears (spiders, dark, rapists)...all of which are a little unnerving, true, but they're sort of...expected. I like hearing what people are really afraid of. The things that keep them up at night...the nightmares, the subconscious fears, the worst case scenarios. The things that shape the way we live our day-to-day lives, and the things we'll do just about anything to avoid.
And the million times I've asked this question, I've gotten just about as many varied responses. But they all seem to be variations on the same themes:
-fear of losing those you love
-fear of losing yourself
-fear of losing
-fear of weaknesses being exploited
-fear of love
-fear of having no love
-fear of evil
-fear of meaninglessness living
-fear of never being successful
-fear of being wrong
-fear of others having a low opinion of you
-fear of oneself
-fear of being alone
-fear of one's fears being exposed (ironic, under the circumstances.)
And all of these, I think, are valid. After all, the whole reason we have things that we're afraid of is because we have things that matter to us...which is key, in this whole process called life.
Personally, I'm of the opinion that I have way too many fears. Or things that just make me jumpy and nervous in general. It's embrarrassing most of the time. My boyfriend (oh yeah, I have one of those by the way...he's neat) tends to get a kick out of taking any and all opportunities that present themselves to scare me a little bit. I still like him a whole bunch, but I'm sincerely worried that one of these days I'm actually going to pee myself or something. Being jumpy is kind of weirdly amusing and potentially endearing, but there is nothing endearing about wetting your pants unless you're a baby or a significantly elderly person. So I'd prefer that it never happens.
TMI? Probably. Sorry.
Anyway, currently, my most relevant/front-of-mind fear is of being too happy. I don't think it's all that uncommon of a fear, really. It makes sense because, as can be witnessed in so many scenarios, trusting in one's own happiness is often the time when things fall apart. It's true in literature, it's true in life: the time when things are stable is always just before they become unstable. Therefore, I have a hard time really trusting my happiness and fully being in the moment because I'm too caught up in trying to capture it before it goes away. Which hints to an underlying fear of losing it all. And while I know you sometimes have to just be where you are, and take it in, and enjoy it, there's always sort of that fear in the background. I'm working on banishing it, because it's not a significantly enjoyable phenomenon.
I'm completely tired, but I wanted to put this up before I go to bed in order to fulfill New Years resolution of the day. Night night, world.
6.1.11
Thursday's the new Friday
I sort of realized that, other than updating my resolutions, I haven't really given feedback on how they're going so far...thus far, they have succeeded and I have been proud of myself for not bailing on them yet!
Some of them I kind of sneaked by on: I had a brief ten minute conversation with a somewhat crazy woman at the bus stop (she thinks all politicians should live in trees for at least one day a week and that cellphones are turning the younger generation into robots....the latter of which I kind of agree with, to an extent, but you get my point.) for my make-a-new friend day, and the rest were pretty easy. Being happy was not that difficult--I think that, a lot of the time, it's a lot easier than people think! Or than I do, anyway. I got a challenge with that on the end of the day when I got called in for a 6.5 hour shift and had to ad-lib a uniform since I was locked out of my house (my fault) but it was an adventure and it all ended ok :). Today is pretty easy (since, admittedly, I didn't have any time this morning anyway so makeup was gonna be nothing either way lol..but still, it feels good to succeed, even if it was an easily attained goal haha.
Other than that...I've just been in a really good mood this week :) It's been a crazy past few months...and Christmas was, as usual, filled with some really good times and some really not-so-good ones, but I'm really happy to be back in Ottawa. It was cool going home- I LOVE my family, and there are a few friends who I was really happy to see-but for the most part, it's a reminder that I don't really belong there anymore. So I feel more comfortable/at peace with hanging out in Ottawa for the summer. It's also been nice that my workplace forgot to book me for any shifts this week so I technically don't HAVE to work unless I want to--which I kind of do...I like not being broke haha--but yeah...it's good! I got most of my grades back, which weren't too bad, and I'm mostly looking forward to next semester (not so much this one English class...but everyone should have to take a class they don't enjoy at some point. It builds character (and perseverance) to keep going week after week. I just wish it wasn't year-long. :/) I ALSO am pretty excited for the end of the week (ok, tomorrow) because I have...a date! Yay! haha..don't laugh, but in a way, it's kind of my first one. Sort of...or at least the first one I knew was a date when I agreed to it haha. Technically I guess my first would have sort of been this summer: I told a good buddy of mine in my home town that I had never actually been on one, so he surprised me by bringing a picnic to my workplace as a surprise "date"! haha. Anyway though, this one is different and I'm pretty happy about it. I like this guy, lots. Sooo....that's all I got for today, folks. Hope you're having an equally if not more so awesome day, and I'll catch ya later!
Some of them I kind of sneaked by on: I had a brief ten minute conversation with a somewhat crazy woman at the bus stop (she thinks all politicians should live in trees for at least one day a week and that cellphones are turning the younger generation into robots....the latter of which I kind of agree with, to an extent, but you get my point.) for my make-a-new friend day, and the rest were pretty easy. Being happy was not that difficult--I think that, a lot of the time, it's a lot easier than people think! Or than I do, anyway. I got a challenge with that on the end of the day when I got called in for a 6.5 hour shift and had to ad-lib a uniform since I was locked out of my house (my fault) but it was an adventure and it all ended ok :). Today is pretty easy (since, admittedly, I didn't have any time this morning anyway so makeup was gonna be nothing either way lol..but still, it feels good to succeed, even if it was an easily attained goal haha.
Other than that...I've just been in a really good mood this week :) It's been a crazy past few months...and Christmas was, as usual, filled with some really good times and some really not-so-good ones, but I'm really happy to be back in Ottawa. It was cool going home- I LOVE my family, and there are a few friends who I was really happy to see-but for the most part, it's a reminder that I don't really belong there anymore. So I feel more comfortable/at peace with hanging out in Ottawa for the summer. It's also been nice that my workplace forgot to book me for any shifts this week so I technically don't HAVE to work unless I want to--which I kind of do...I like not being broke haha--but yeah...it's good! I got most of my grades back, which weren't too bad, and I'm mostly looking forward to next semester (not so much this one English class...but everyone should have to take a class they don't enjoy at some point. It builds character (and perseverance) to keep going week after week. I just wish it wasn't year-long. :/) I ALSO am pretty excited for the end of the week (ok, tomorrow) because I have...a date! Yay! haha..don't laugh, but in a way, it's kind of my first one. Sort of...or at least the first one I knew was a date when I agreed to it haha. Technically I guess my first would have sort of been this summer: I told a good buddy of mine in my home town that I had never actually been on one, so he surprised me by bringing a picnic to my workplace as a surprise "date"! haha. Anyway though, this one is different and I'm pretty happy about it. I like this guy, lots. Sooo....that's all I got for today, folks. Hope you're having an equally if not more so awesome day, and I'll catch ya later!
1.1.11
New Years Resolutions
New Years Resolutions are generally sort of lame. I'm aware of this. Most significant changes end up running on momentum and end up exactly the same way they were before, after a while (ever notice that a "revolution" is just a 360 degree turn?) But frankly, I think a little more goal-setting in my life could be a good thing. So, my resolution is to do one goal a day. It might be for the day, it might be a to-do list item, it might be a significant lifestyle change, and it might repeat. But this is what I'm going to at least attempt to do. Wish me luck.
January 1: Today, I resolve to put a conscious effort into looking forward and not backward. Unless I'm driving.
January 2: Today, I resolve that the next time 12:30 AM rolls around, I will not be awake to see it.
January 3: Today, I resolve to make the 9:15 train next Monday. Also, to stop making resolutions that involve time.
January 4: Today, I resolve to be happy, all day. No matter what happens.
January 5: Today, I resolve to be a bit less afraid of people I don't know, and go make one new friend by the end of the day.
January 6: Today, I resolve to go makeup-free and try to not feel self-conscious about it.
January 7: Today, I resolve to make up my mind what I want here, then go for it one way or the other.
January 8: Today, I resolve to be happy without feeing guilty.
January 9: Today, I resolve to spend at least four hours studying for my test tomorrow.
January 10: Today, I resolve to sleep way more than I did yesterday. Not exactly aiming high, but I just want to succeed today.
January 11: Today, I resolve to make it on time for eating breakfast downtown!
January 12: Today, I resolve to do at least three household cleanup jobs I've been putting off.
January 13: Today, I resolve to try and figure out how to tell my parents that I'm dating someone.
January 14: Today, I resolve to find my parents' health insurance number, or figure out when I get my own from work.
January 15: Today, I resolve to appreciate what I have, all the time.
January 16: Today, I resolve to be nice to everyone.
January 17: Today, I resolve to sleep.
January 18: Today, I resolve to go resolution-free for the day. Screw it.
January 19: Today, I resolve that there are better things to do than not sleep. Like sleep. I'm getting eight hours, no matter what.
January 20: Today, I resolve to go to all classes and to be happy about it. Fun Thursdays.
January 21: Today, I resolve to follow the Canadian Health Food Guide exactly.
January 22: Today, I resolve to smooth things over with at least two people who are currently upset with me.
January 23: Today, I resolve to call my mom/dad.
January 24: Today, I resolve to clean the bathroom.
January 25: Today, I resolve to not use facebook before I go to bed.
January 26: Today, I resolve to get ahead in my readings.
January 27: Today, I resolve to get groceries and pay attention to my spending. I will use at least three coupons.
January 29: Today, I resolve to do a blog post about something besides updating the resolution of the day.
January 30: Today, I resolve to be kind to every single customer at work, and be genuinely interested in their lives.
January 31: Today, I resolve to just get through these tests.
February 1: Today, I resolve to join my housemates with their workout routine downstairs.
February 2: Today, I resolve to stay indoors, do some school work, and be glad the weather gave me a day off.
February 3: Today, I resolve to not spend my whole paycheck as soon as I get it. No matter how tempting that may be.
February 4: Today, I resolve to not be the worst white dancer in Cabin.
February 5: Today, I resolve to make it everywhere on time, despite the many things that will make that a distinct challenge :P
February 6: Today, I resolve to not act on my impulses. Wait it out.
February 7: Today, I resolve to make it to my earliest class on time. 9:30 Research methods, I'm coming for you.
February 8: Today, I resolve to be the first person to wish my housemate Catherine a very happy birthday on facebook.
February 9: Today, I resolve to call Loblaws early in the mornin and offer my availability for any shifts this afternoon after class.
February 10: Today, I resolve to complete all of my homework on time, go to school, and not look like a wreck.
February 11: Today, I resolve to enjoy my whole day completely.
February 12: Today, I resolve to wear my shoulder pad dress for at least an hour, despite all feedback.
February 13: Today, I resolve to study for film, relax, and read Psalm 1.
February 14: Today, I resolve to give as much love out as I can. Easier than receiving, sometimes.
February 15: Today, I resolve to give and take evenly.
February 16: Today, I resolve to work on my voids and IPM's at work and do significantly better than previous.
February 17: Today, I resolve to be kind, to work hard, and to get some work done on my research for my papers.
February 18: Today, I resole to wake up promptly and to make meet-the-family as painless as possible for all involved.
February 19: Today, I resolve to hang out with my family tonight and watch movies. No visits.
February 20: Today, I resolve to be 100% honest with myself and whatever my reaction is to seeing some people again.
February 21: Today, I resolve to hold in my impatience with my family, and to just appreciate what I have, not criticize.
February 22: Today, I resolve to do homework, be honest with the doc, and meet some long-standing obligations.
February 23: Today, I resolve to do my best to become un-sick, do homework, and to hang out with my mom and not fight.
February 24: Today, I resolve to get my resume done and sent in for the Ottawa summer jobs postings.
February 25: Today, I resolve to get to bed early.
February 26: Today, I resolve to be responsible and not do anything likely to make me continue being ill :(
February 27: Today, I resolve to call in sick for the first time ever. Because I legitimately am. gahh.
February 28: Today, I resolve to go to at least one class and stay for the whole thing, even if I have to bring a kleenex box.
March 1: Today, I resolve to be pleasant even when I get grumpy. Because I can already feel the grumpy tendencies flowing.
March 2: Today, I resolve to do my lab and to figure out my new non-dinosaur phone :P
March 3: Today, I resolve to do homework, homework, and more homework. Sorry for the repetition, folks. It's gotta be done.
March 4: Today, I resolve to work my butt off at work and leave my cash area extremely clean for the night crew.
March 5: Today, I resolve to do my best to help Paige to have a non-sucky birthday, and to get up early.
March 6: Today, I resolve to refrain from avoiding uncomfortable topics.
March 7: Today, I resolve to go to philosophy with my paper done, and get crackin on mythology.
March 8: Today, I resole to not lose my chocolate bar with this fundraiser promotion! Freeeebies....
March 9: Today, I resolve to finish this flipping essay and just be happy when it's all over. Gahh what a week.
March 10: Today, I resolve to just be done all this homework nonsense.
March 11: Today, I resolve to smile every time I step outside the house.
March 12: Today, I resolve to care more about everyone else than myself.
March 13: Today, I resolve to give unreservedly.
March 14: Today, I resolve to refrain from speaking to people I'm arguing with until I can do so without saying things I'll regret.
March 15: Today, I resolve to spend time outside enjoying the fresh air, without making to-do lists in my head.
March 16: Today, I resolve to say no when I should, all the time.
March 17: Today, I resolve to be prepared for the day when I go to school. As in, have everything with me.
March 18: Today, I resolve to work hard and to give nobody a reason to be mad at me.
March 19: Today, I resolve to eat a lot of food.
March 20: Today, I resolve to study for my exam tomorrow morning. And to get up in time.
March 21: Today, I resolve to go to all classes with full intentions of staying awake the whole time.
March 22: Today, I resolve to hang out with my good buddy S who I haven't hung out with in forever.
March 23: Today, I resolve to finish my FINAL PAPER FOR THE YEARRR before midnight.
March 24: Today, I resolve to sleep in.
March 25: Today, I resolve to be kind to everyone I see.
March 26: Today, I resolve to not show my weaknesses.
March 27: Today, I resolve to not complain.
March 28: Today, I resolve to pay attention in class.
March 29: Today, I resolve to make dinner with Courtney and have a good chat.
March 30: Today, I resolve to check how many steps it takes me to get to the bus stop from my house.
March 31: Today, I resolve to be around.
April 1: Today, I resolve to never pull an april fools joke again.
April 2: Today, I resolve to do laundry.
April 3: Today, I resolve to make two difficult phone calls.
April 4: Today, I resolve to devote time to being quiet.
April 5: Today, I resolve to be as kind as possible to crabby customers.
April 6: Today, I resolve to finish up with my taxes.
April 7: Today, I resolve to work extra hours.
April 8: Today, I resolve to do one selfless action that I do not want to do.
April 9: Today, I resolve to eat three square meals.
April 10: Today, I resolve to study for my exams!!!
April 11: Today, I resolve to make it on time for music practice with Bren.
April 12: Today, I resolve to be successful on my Philosophy examination.
January 1: Today, I resolve to put a conscious effort into looking forward and not backward. Unless I'm driving.
January 2: Today, I resolve that the next time 12:30 AM rolls around, I will not be awake to see it.
January 3: Today, I resolve to make the 9:15 train next Monday. Also, to stop making resolutions that involve time.
January 4: Today, I resolve to be happy, all day. No matter what happens.
January 5: Today, I resolve to be a bit less afraid of people I don't know, and go make one new friend by the end of the day.
January 6: Today, I resolve to go makeup-free and try to not feel self-conscious about it.
January 7: Today, I resolve to make up my mind what I want here, then go for it one way or the other.
January 8: Today, I resolve to be happy without feeing guilty.
January 9: Today, I resolve to spend at least four hours studying for my test tomorrow.
January 10: Today, I resolve to sleep way more than I did yesterday. Not exactly aiming high, but I just want to succeed today.
January 11: Today, I resolve to make it on time for eating breakfast downtown!
January 12: Today, I resolve to do at least three household cleanup jobs I've been putting off.
January 13: Today, I resolve to try and figure out how to tell my parents that I'm dating someone.
January 14: Today, I resolve to find my parents' health insurance number, or figure out when I get my own from work.
January 15: Today, I resolve to appreciate what I have, all the time.
January 16: Today, I resolve to be nice to everyone.
January 17: Today, I resolve to sleep.
January 18: Today, I resolve to go resolution-free for the day. Screw it.
January 19: Today, I resolve that there are better things to do than not sleep. Like sleep. I'm getting eight hours, no matter what.
January 20: Today, I resolve to go to all classes and to be happy about it. Fun Thursdays.
January 21: Today, I resolve to follow the Canadian Health Food Guide exactly.
January 22: Today, I resolve to smooth things over with at least two people who are currently upset with me.
January 23: Today, I resolve to call my mom/dad.
January 24: Today, I resolve to clean the bathroom.
January 25: Today, I resolve to not use facebook before I go to bed.
January 26: Today, I resolve to get ahead in my readings.
January 27: Today, I resolve to get groceries and pay attention to my spending. I will use at least three coupons.
January 29: Today, I resolve to do a blog post about something besides updating the resolution of the day.
January 30: Today, I resolve to be kind to every single customer at work, and be genuinely interested in their lives.
January 31: Today, I resolve to just get through these tests.
February 1: Today, I resolve to join my housemates with their workout routine downstairs.
February 2: Today, I resolve to stay indoors, do some school work, and be glad the weather gave me a day off.
February 3: Today, I resolve to not spend my whole paycheck as soon as I get it. No matter how tempting that may be.
February 4: Today, I resolve to not be the worst white dancer in Cabin.
February 5: Today, I resolve to make it everywhere on time, despite the many things that will make that a distinct challenge :P
February 6: Today, I resolve to not act on my impulses. Wait it out.
February 7: Today, I resolve to make it to my earliest class on time. 9:30 Research methods, I'm coming for you.
February 8: Today, I resolve to be the first person to wish my housemate Catherine a very happy birthday on facebook.
February 9: Today, I resolve to call Loblaws early in the mornin and offer my availability for any shifts this afternoon after class.
February 10: Today, I resolve to complete all of my homework on time, go to school, and not look like a wreck.
February 11: Today, I resolve to enjoy my whole day completely.
February 12: Today, I resolve to wear my shoulder pad dress for at least an hour, despite all feedback.
February 13: Today, I resolve to study for film, relax, and read Psalm 1.
February 14: Today, I resolve to give as much love out as I can. Easier than receiving, sometimes.
February 15: Today, I resolve to give and take evenly.
February 16: Today, I resolve to work on my voids and IPM's at work and do significantly better than previous.
February 17: Today, I resolve to be kind, to work hard, and to get some work done on my research for my papers.
February 18: Today, I resole to wake up promptly and to make meet-the-family as painless as possible for all involved.
February 19: Today, I resolve to hang out with my family tonight and watch movies. No visits.
February 20: Today, I resolve to be 100% honest with myself and whatever my reaction is to seeing some people again.
February 21: Today, I resolve to hold in my impatience with my family, and to just appreciate what I have, not criticize.
February 22: Today, I resolve to do homework, be honest with the doc, and meet some long-standing obligations.
February 23: Today, I resolve to do my best to become un-sick, do homework, and to hang out with my mom and not fight.
February 24: Today, I resolve to get my resume done and sent in for the Ottawa summer jobs postings.
February 25: Today, I resolve to get to bed early.
February 26: Today, I resolve to be responsible and not do anything likely to make me continue being ill :(
February 27: Today, I resolve to call in sick for the first time ever. Because I legitimately am. gahh.
February 28: Today, I resolve to go to at least one class and stay for the whole thing, even if I have to bring a kleenex box.
March 1: Today, I resolve to be pleasant even when I get grumpy. Because I can already feel the grumpy tendencies flowing.
March 2: Today, I resolve to do my lab and to figure out my new non-dinosaur phone :P
March 3: Today, I resolve to do homework, homework, and more homework. Sorry for the repetition, folks. It's gotta be done.
March 4: Today, I resolve to work my butt off at work and leave my cash area extremely clean for the night crew.
March 5: Today, I resolve to do my best to help Paige to have a non-sucky birthday, and to get up early.
March 6: Today, I resolve to refrain from avoiding uncomfortable topics.
March 7: Today, I resolve to go to philosophy with my paper done, and get crackin on mythology.
March 8: Today, I resole to not lose my chocolate bar with this fundraiser promotion! Freeeebies....
March 9: Today, I resolve to finish this flipping essay and just be happy when it's all over. Gahh what a week.
March 10: Today, I resolve to just be done all this homework nonsense.
March 11: Today, I resolve to smile every time I step outside the house.
March 12: Today, I resolve to care more about everyone else than myself.
March 13: Today, I resolve to give unreservedly.
March 14: Today, I resolve to refrain from speaking to people I'm arguing with until I can do so without saying things I'll regret.
March 15: Today, I resolve to spend time outside enjoying the fresh air, without making to-do lists in my head.
March 16: Today, I resolve to say no when I should, all the time.
March 17: Today, I resolve to be prepared for the day when I go to school. As in, have everything with me.
March 18: Today, I resolve to work hard and to give nobody a reason to be mad at me.
March 19: Today, I resolve to eat a lot of food.
March 20: Today, I resolve to study for my exam tomorrow morning. And to get up in time.
March 21: Today, I resolve to go to all classes with full intentions of staying awake the whole time.
March 22: Today, I resolve to hang out with my good buddy S who I haven't hung out with in forever.
March 23: Today, I resolve to finish my FINAL PAPER FOR THE YEARRR before midnight.
March 24: Today, I resolve to sleep in.
March 25: Today, I resolve to be kind to everyone I see.
March 26: Today, I resolve to not show my weaknesses.
March 27: Today, I resolve to not complain.
March 28: Today, I resolve to pay attention in class.
March 29: Today, I resolve to make dinner with Courtney and have a good chat.
March 30: Today, I resolve to check how many steps it takes me to get to the bus stop from my house.
March 31: Today, I resolve to be around.
April 1: Today, I resolve to never pull an april fools joke again.
April 2: Today, I resolve to do laundry.
April 3: Today, I resolve to make two difficult phone calls.
April 4: Today, I resolve to devote time to being quiet.
April 5: Today, I resolve to be as kind as possible to crabby customers.
April 6: Today, I resolve to finish up with my taxes.
April 7: Today, I resolve to work extra hours.
April 8: Today, I resolve to do one selfless action that I do not want to do.
April 9: Today, I resolve to eat three square meals.
April 10: Today, I resolve to study for my exams!!!
April 11: Today, I resolve to make it on time for music practice with Bren.
April 12: Today, I resolve to be successful on my Philosophy examination.
17.12.10
[it's _______] to apologize
I'm conflicted as to whether I apologize too much, too little, or just enough.
I know people who want apologies from me that are never going to come. I'm not sorry for my choices, or my words, and although I AM sorry when people get hurt, I don't think it's right to apologize for something that was the right decision. But people will still expect it, and be upset when that apology doesn't arrive. So to those people, and for your frustration, I'm sorry. (Feel better?)
I also know people who say I apologize too much, and for that, I'm also sorry. Or not sorry? What, exactly, is the correct reaction when someone tells you that you apologize too often?
It's that little phrase of "I'm sorry" that often ends up being significant to me. Of all the phrases that are doomed to make me get sentimental and weepy, that sort of hit me more at a core level, "I'm sorry" is one. {That and "I'm proud of you." Both of those two mean a lot to me, for who knows what reason, and my face will start leaking out of all orifices and it's kind of disgusting... yet cleansing.}
Regardless. Apologies:
They can mean nothing. They can mean everything. They can be desired and they can be sought but they are rarely exactly what they need to be. And today, I just wanted to offer my apologies where needed.
To my parents: I'm sorry for the state of my current academic career. It's not what either of us hoped it would be...although I'm bringing up my marks, they're not exactly what I was getting in high school, and I think we're both disappointed in that. I'm sorry for the times I didn't listen to you and we both suffered as a consequence. I'm sorry for all the things I've said or done that made you feel bad, and I'm sorry that I'm not studying right now. But apparently not sorry enough, cause I'm gonna finish it.
To B: I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you. We could have been solid friends, maybe. And I'm glad we're rebuilding.
To my housemates: I'm sorry I keep leaving my dishes in the sink. I genuinely do intend to clean them within 24 hours, it just takes a while sometimes.
To M: I'm just sorry it's like this.
To my siblings: I'm sorry I'm not always the greatest role model or big sis. I try, but I know I definitely fail more often than I'd like to.
To people in uni who've seen the consequences of my less-than-grand ideas: I'm sorry I didn't live up to the standard I set for myself, and I'm sorry I wasn't as strong a person as I wanted to be. For all the friends I could have made, or the friendships that could have been stronger if I had put in more of an effort, I'm sorry.
To any person I've ever treated like an object lesson, or gotten to know because I thought they'd be an interesting story later, or used as a project or experiment: I'm sorry I didn't think of you as a real person, and/or treated you like you were a piece in my life for my own amusement as opposed to a whole human being with a life of your own. And I'm sorry that you're being included in a generalized, not-necessarily-seen blog post instead of me remembering every single person I've done this to, one way or another.
To the people I need to apologize to, but don't know it or forgot about it: I'm sorry I didn't/don't know, and I wish I did.
Apologies are sometimes freeing. And sometimes not. But they shouldn't be for the sake of seeking absolution, purely. They shouldn't be for the sake of hearing that there's nothing wrong, or necessarily for trying to fix it all either. Cause apologies can't fix everything, although they're often a good start. And they shouldn't just be for show either: I debated whether writing apologies in this setting was really true to the cause and, in the end, I think it accomplished my purpose. Or at least started it. Either way, I'm now going to go put my comment to my parents into action and keep up the studying. Or possibly go to bed and take it up again tomorrow.
Take care, folks.
I know people who want apologies from me that are never going to come. I'm not sorry for my choices, or my words, and although I AM sorry when people get hurt, I don't think it's right to apologize for something that was the right decision. But people will still expect it, and be upset when that apology doesn't arrive. So to those people, and for your frustration, I'm sorry. (Feel better?)
I also know people who say I apologize too much, and for that, I'm also sorry. Or not sorry? What, exactly, is the correct reaction when someone tells you that you apologize too often?
It's that little phrase of "I'm sorry" that often ends up being significant to me. Of all the phrases that are doomed to make me get sentimental and weepy, that sort of hit me more at a core level, "I'm sorry" is one. {That and "I'm proud of you." Both of those two mean a lot to me, for who knows what reason, and my face will start leaking out of all orifices and it's kind of disgusting... yet cleansing.}
Regardless. Apologies:
They can mean nothing. They can mean everything. They can be desired and they can be sought but they are rarely exactly what they need to be. And today, I just wanted to offer my apologies where needed.
To my parents: I'm sorry for the state of my current academic career. It's not what either of us hoped it would be...although I'm bringing up my marks, they're not exactly what I was getting in high school, and I think we're both disappointed in that. I'm sorry for the times I didn't listen to you and we both suffered as a consequence. I'm sorry for all the things I've said or done that made you feel bad, and I'm sorry that I'm not studying right now. But apparently not sorry enough, cause I'm gonna finish it.
To B: I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you. We could have been solid friends, maybe. And I'm glad we're rebuilding.
To my housemates: I'm sorry I keep leaving my dishes in the sink. I genuinely do intend to clean them within 24 hours, it just takes a while sometimes.
To M: I'm just sorry it's like this.
To my siblings: I'm sorry I'm not always the greatest role model or big sis. I try, but I know I definitely fail more often than I'd like to.
To people in uni who've seen the consequences of my less-than-grand ideas: I'm sorry I didn't live up to the standard I set for myself, and I'm sorry I wasn't as strong a person as I wanted to be. For all the friends I could have made, or the friendships that could have been stronger if I had put in more of an effort, I'm sorry.
To any person I've ever treated like an object lesson, or gotten to know because I thought they'd be an interesting story later, or used as a project or experiment: I'm sorry I didn't think of you as a real person, and/or treated you like you were a piece in my life for my own amusement as opposed to a whole human being with a life of your own. And I'm sorry that you're being included in a generalized, not-necessarily-seen blog post instead of me remembering every single person I've done this to, one way or another.
To the people I need to apologize to, but don't know it or forgot about it: I'm sorry I didn't/don't know, and I wish I did.
Apologies are sometimes freeing. And sometimes not. But they shouldn't be for the sake of seeking absolution, purely. They shouldn't be for the sake of hearing that there's nothing wrong, or necessarily for trying to fix it all either. Cause apologies can't fix everything, although they're often a good start. And they shouldn't just be for show either: I debated whether writing apologies in this setting was really true to the cause and, in the end, I think it accomplished my purpose. Or at least started it. Either way, I'm now going to go put my comment to my parents into action and keep up the studying. Or possibly go to bed and take it up again tomorrow.
Take care, folks.
16.12.10
motivational speech
when the rose-coloured glasses shatter,
shooting shards into eyes already red-rimmed
and inevitably, the salty-sweet, soul-taste leaks out
shake it off
shooting shards into eyes already red-rimmed
and inevitably, the salty-sweet, soul-taste leaks out
shake it off
10.12.10
Prioritizing.
Exams bring out the best and the worst in me, I find.
I also find that they do this to pretty much everyone else too, but since I'm me and not you, I'll share my experience. You can share yours. =P
I am one of those people who procrastinates like nothing else. It's a gift I have, and about as useful as a hairbrush is for a cucumber (if you got that reference...I love you. If you didn't, start watching VeggieTales. Also a great way to procrastinate)
Anyway, back on topic...I'm really good at putting off what I should be doing. And, from what I've witnessed, this is not a unique characteristic. I don't know what it is, but every time I have an assignment due or an exam to study for or anything remotely stressful that I don't want to think about...I don't. I do other things. Like tumblr, twitter, facebook, stumbleupon, bake, clean, iron, patch socks, make puppets, write letters, write blog posts, look up recipes, visit people, sort old papers, call my family, whatever. I live a decently busy life without all the extra junk, really: I work at least twenty hours a week, have school for at least fourteen, and spend (on average) about three and a half hours either on public transit or waiting for it. The rest of my time SHOULD be consumed by school work, but it isn't. Because I procrastinate.
So, why do I procrastinate? Or, perhaps more relevantly to you, why do YOU procrastinate?
Well, maybe the answers are tied together. Or maybe they aren't. But I have a few theories for myself, so you can judge away as to their general accuracy:
I think, for myself, my procrastination tendencies are tied up in the fact that I tied my self-worth together with my academic reputation for a significant portion of my life. In elementary school/junior high, my academic reputation was the area I gleaned a lot of my self-worth from. Doing well in school was my method for obtaining respect from my peers and authority figures, and I worked really hard to obtain that approval. Of course, as you get older, you don't get a gold star for getting good grades. You get scholarship money sometimes, and eventually, you get a degree. Unfortunately, that's never been a big incentive for me (it should be, I know. But it doesn't quite have the same draw.) So, I don't hand things in sometimes, or I'll be afraid to because I don't want to be a nameless face obtaining a grade that just isn't quite good enough. Horrible logic...I know. But it's true.
I also find that the more disorganized I feel, or the more stressed out I get, I just want to avoid the cause of my stress. Recently, my most common escape is playing this game on facebook called tetris. For those of you who don't know, the whole goal of the game is to fit the multicoloured, different-shaped blocks together to fill up a row and get them to disappear, and to not let the stack of blocks reach the top. It's hard to explain but just look it up...you'll figure it out.) Anyway, I think this game is my subconscious way of trying to organize all the chaos in my life into neat, orderly block-piles that I can get rid of.
Maybe the whole procrastination question isn't as mysterious as I thought. Or maybe I knew that all along and I just wanted to write this for the sake of doing something besides my project. Whatever the reason, these are my (attempted) reasons. On the plus side though, the stress really does force me to contemplate the direction I'm taking with my life, and forces me to question whether I really WANT this education and to do well in school.
The answer is yes. I do.
Which is why I'm going to work on my project, right now.
Peace out, girl scouts.
I also find that they do this to pretty much everyone else too, but since I'm me and not you, I'll share my experience. You can share yours. =P
I am one of those people who procrastinates like nothing else. It's a gift I have, and about as useful as a hairbrush is for a cucumber (if you got that reference...I love you. If you didn't, start watching VeggieTales. Also a great way to procrastinate)
Anyway, back on topic...I'm really good at putting off what I should be doing. And, from what I've witnessed, this is not a unique characteristic. I don't know what it is, but every time I have an assignment due or an exam to study for or anything remotely stressful that I don't want to think about...I don't. I do other things. Like tumblr, twitter, facebook, stumbleupon, bake, clean, iron, patch socks, make puppets, write letters, write blog posts, look up recipes, visit people, sort old papers, call my family, whatever. I live a decently busy life without all the extra junk, really: I work at least twenty hours a week, have school for at least fourteen, and spend (on average) about three and a half hours either on public transit or waiting for it. The rest of my time SHOULD be consumed by school work, but it isn't. Because I procrastinate.
So, why do I procrastinate? Or, perhaps more relevantly to you, why do YOU procrastinate?
Well, maybe the answers are tied together. Or maybe they aren't. But I have a few theories for myself, so you can judge away as to their general accuracy:
I think, for myself, my procrastination tendencies are tied up in the fact that I tied my self-worth together with my academic reputation for a significant portion of my life. In elementary school/junior high, my academic reputation was the area I gleaned a lot of my self-worth from. Doing well in school was my method for obtaining respect from my peers and authority figures, and I worked really hard to obtain that approval. Of course, as you get older, you don't get a gold star for getting good grades. You get scholarship money sometimes, and eventually, you get a degree. Unfortunately, that's never been a big incentive for me (it should be, I know. But it doesn't quite have the same draw.) So, I don't hand things in sometimes, or I'll be afraid to because I don't want to be a nameless face obtaining a grade that just isn't quite good enough. Horrible logic...I know. But it's true.
I also find that the more disorganized I feel, or the more stressed out I get, I just want to avoid the cause of my stress. Recently, my most common escape is playing this game on facebook called tetris. For those of you who don't know, the whole goal of the game is to fit the multicoloured, different-shaped blocks together to fill up a row and get them to disappear, and to not let the stack of blocks reach the top. It's hard to explain but just look it up...you'll figure it out.) Anyway, I think this game is my subconscious way of trying to organize all the chaos in my life into neat, orderly block-piles that I can get rid of.
Maybe the whole procrastination question isn't as mysterious as I thought. Or maybe I knew that all along and I just wanted to write this for the sake of doing something besides my project. Whatever the reason, these are my (attempted) reasons. On the plus side though, the stress really does force me to contemplate the direction I'm taking with my life, and forces me to question whether I really WANT this education and to do well in school.
The answer is yes. I do.
Which is why I'm going to work on my project, right now.
Peace out, girl scouts.
3.12.10
Dedicated to a year gone by.
Your kiss is a needle
Getting under my skin
I don't know
[I never knew.]
whether you're giving
or taking,
but:
I know
[I always knew]
beginnings
and ends
are the parts that hurt worst.
Getting under my skin
I don't know
[I never knew.]
whether you're giving
or taking,
but:
I know
[I always knew]
beginnings
and ends
are the parts that hurt worst.
2.12.10
Carleton Library, circa 3 a.m.
This is the first time in second year that I have been awake on the Carleton campus at this sort of ridiculously early hour in the morning. Granted, it happened enough times in first year that I should be well acquainted with the sort of lingering chill/fog/buzz that tends to settle in my brain around this hour. I'm happy because I'm going to be done for the semester soon, worried because (yet again) it kind of feels like I haven't dedicated all the effort I should have into my work...but I think I'm doing better than last year, so it's all up in the air. Mentally, I'm shot. Physically, deteriorating but learning how to survive on less sleep and food and more running around. Friendship-ly, everything's changing and I'm ok with that. Romantically...undecided and intentionally not thinking about it. Spiritually, I feel like I'm slowly getting better. Now that the self-diagnosis is out of the way, back to my comm paper. Or potentially travelling to the third floor and crashing until 6:30 this morning, at which time I'm headed home to shower, grab some food and textbooks, a power nap, and be back at school for 10:30. That's my life, folks. Not the worst, not the best, and not really all that exciting. Sorry.
26.11.10
I like you best, 'cause my heart makes the most interesting sounds every time you break it.
In some recent adventures along my procrastination-filled, insomnia-ridden journey, I recently came across this website titled wouldhavesaid.com. (thanks, StumbleUpon!) Initially, it got my attention because the premise of the page seemed as though it had the potential to get some interesting feedback: "Whether the person has passed away, contact was lost, or the strength needed at the time was lacking, this is a chance to say what you have always wanted them to know."
I've always been drawn to looking back, to hearing people's stories, to honesty, and-frankly- to being kind of a creep and living semi-vicariously through the feelings of other people. So naturally, this site actually caught my attention. The kinds of stories people shared also gripped me: of a woman finally confronting a childhood abuser, of siblings working through the suicide of a sister, of a granddaughter who are is still ashamed of her silence on the day she heard her grandmother being mocked by some kids her age. Stories of lovers lost, of friendships torn apart, and stories of hope. It makes me vaguely uneasy reading through people's stories, and to be honest, I can't really go through too many too often, because I begin to become kind of cynical. I wonder if these stories are true, whether anyone REALLY needs to write a five-page letter about how they miss their cat, and I start judging their writing style. It's not that I'm an awful person--promise--but I think it's a coping mechanism.
I think it's safe to say that everybody has unfinished business of some sort. Things to say, people to make things right with, and stories that haven't been told that really should be. Some stories, while we might not identify with them situation by situation, can hit close to home because the feelings behind it are that raw and difficult to digest. It takes a lot of bravery to deal with our regrets, simply because we often can't always do much about them, particularly when the individuals involved are deceased, or impossible to contact (either for geographical reasons, emotional reasons, or whatever other reason you can come up with.) Reading through some of the entries on the site, and hearing people pour out so much unrestrained emotion is a phenomena that rarely happens in the ordinary world, so it provokes a strange combination of curiosity and detachment and empathy within me, personally. And, since I'm all about the application, makes me wonder who I need to say my "would-have-said's" to now.
Eventually, I came to the perspective that there's a reason we don't often discuss our deepest, most troubling, or most embarrassing "would-have-said's" to people straight to their faces. The primary reason is fear, either of the consequences within oneself, of the individual themselves, or of the aftermath. Sometimes it's easier to go along without confrontation and to deal with things when we feel we are at a place where the individual/individuals are no longer in a position to harm us. Vulnerability is a frightening concept. It's sometimes easier to write out our feelings and thoughts and emotions than it is to actually address them, which is probably part of the reason I blog in the first place. It's like a free therapy session. Sometimes, I like to write out the things I want to say to the people I'm mad at/hurt by/sorry for acting like a jerk to but too embarrassed to admit it to...etc...and then I at least know that, should the opportune moment arrive, I know I'd have something to say.
It's tempting to just go all passive-aggressive here and write out all my innermost frustrations with all the people who stress me out and cause me pain and who I'm too chicken to deal with to their faces right here...but I'm tired and I also think that it is probably a terrible plan, because this is not the time of day to get all up close and personal with my feelings. Or anything besides a pillow and dreamland. But the sound of rain on the roof and my window is peaceful, and I'm kind of addicted to the white light emanating from my computer screen. Maybe I will later. If it seems like an appropriate idea when I wake up. Which will, hopefully, be many, many hours from now.
Night/morning, folks!
I've always been drawn to looking back, to hearing people's stories, to honesty, and-frankly- to being kind of a creep and living semi-vicariously through the feelings of other people. So naturally, this site actually caught my attention. The kinds of stories people shared also gripped me: of a woman finally confronting a childhood abuser, of siblings working through the suicide of a sister, of a granddaughter who are is still ashamed of her silence on the day she heard her grandmother being mocked by some kids her age. Stories of lovers lost, of friendships torn apart, and stories of hope. It makes me vaguely uneasy reading through people's stories, and to be honest, I can't really go through too many too often, because I begin to become kind of cynical. I wonder if these stories are true, whether anyone REALLY needs to write a five-page letter about how they miss their cat, and I start judging their writing style. It's not that I'm an awful person--promise--but I think it's a coping mechanism.
I think it's safe to say that everybody has unfinished business of some sort. Things to say, people to make things right with, and stories that haven't been told that really should be. Some stories, while we might not identify with them situation by situation, can hit close to home because the feelings behind it are that raw and difficult to digest. It takes a lot of bravery to deal with our regrets, simply because we often can't always do much about them, particularly when the individuals involved are deceased, or impossible to contact (either for geographical reasons, emotional reasons, or whatever other reason you can come up with.) Reading through some of the entries on the site, and hearing people pour out so much unrestrained emotion is a phenomena that rarely happens in the ordinary world, so it provokes a strange combination of curiosity and detachment and empathy within me, personally. And, since I'm all about the application, makes me wonder who I need to say my "would-have-said's" to now.
Eventually, I came to the perspective that there's a reason we don't often discuss our deepest, most troubling, or most embarrassing "would-have-said's" to people straight to their faces. The primary reason is fear, either of the consequences within oneself, of the individual themselves, or of the aftermath. Sometimes it's easier to go along without confrontation and to deal with things when we feel we are at a place where the individual/individuals are no longer in a position to harm us. Vulnerability is a frightening concept. It's sometimes easier to write out our feelings and thoughts and emotions than it is to actually address them, which is probably part of the reason I blog in the first place. It's like a free therapy session. Sometimes, I like to write out the things I want to say to the people I'm mad at/hurt by/sorry for acting like a jerk to but too embarrassed to admit it to...etc...and then I at least know that, should the opportune moment arrive, I know I'd have something to say.
It's tempting to just go all passive-aggressive here and write out all my innermost frustrations with all the people who stress me out and cause me pain and who I'm too chicken to deal with to their faces right here...but I'm tired and I also think that it is probably a terrible plan, because this is not the time of day to get all up close and personal with my feelings. Or anything besides a pillow and dreamland. But the sound of rain on the roof and my window is peaceful, and I'm kind of addicted to the white light emanating from my computer screen. Maybe I will later. If it seems like an appropriate idea when I wake up. Which will, hopefully, be many, many hours from now.
Night/morning, folks!
25.11.10
I'll just imagine the caffeine I would intake right about now if I wasn't a broke student without the funds to purchase it.
Today is going to be an interesting day. I can tell. I should know, because I've only missed about two and a half hours of it since it started, and it's going to continue on for about twelve more hours, and I will probably be awake for most of that too. November... definitely the season to make Christmas/ winter break far more appreciated. Today, instead of being frustrated or feeling dead, I'm surprisingly wide awake. The feeling of accomplishment (finishing the essay of DOOM), of having a far better idea of what to do for my final project for my Communications Research class (which, if you are not mathematically minded or miss a lab, is painfully difficult), and probably the haze of cloudy brain-fog keeping me from panicking. One more essay, one more project, and then I'm done until exams. Granted, exams aren't that far off....but still. The momentary release from the pressure of school work is appreciated.
I don't really have anything particularly insightful, deep, or hilarious to draw out of this for you...sorry...but I'm in a good mood and I have a few minutes to kill before class, so I thought I'd try to lighten things up around this blog o'mine and give you some menial day-details. Charming, I know.
Peace out, girl scouts.
I don't really have anything particularly insightful, deep, or hilarious to draw out of this for you...sorry...but I'm in a good mood and I have a few minutes to kill before class, so I thought I'd try to lighten things up around this blog o'mine and give you some menial day-details. Charming, I know.
Peace out, girl scouts.
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